Part 2
Okay, so let’s get this straight right up front. I know I’m a moron. I get it. I knew Molly might be a Santa slayer, but because she was a super hot maybe-Santa slayer, I gave it a pass, and I found myself throat to giant metal pin with the repercussions of my decision-making paradigm. And, really, that was really only the most recent of a string of bad decisions, but I was trying to save a kid, and I’m Santa, dammit. Well, I’m a mall Santa, but that’s close enough.
And I hadn’t come totally unprepared.
But that’s getting ahead of things a bit.
Molly had just told me she wanted to bathe in a fountain of Santa blood tonight, and I’d really rather she didn’t, but with my hands cuffed together and her metal stick of stabbing at my throat, my options were limited. So I pulled out all the stops and really went for it.
“Hey now, Molly, let’s not get too hasty here…”
She stepped back from me, just enough to punt me between the legs, and I went down. Hard. Moaning on the ground, I cradled the pain as best I could with cuffed hands.
“Strip,” Molly commanded from above me.
I was too busy trying not to puke up my own gonads, so I didn’t move fast enough.
“Now,” she snarled, and kicked me in the thigh.
“Why?” I said.
“We need to complete the sacrifice. And the sacrifice demands the ceremony.”
“Why do I have to be naked for the ceremony? Seriously, what the--” I stopped mid-sentence, realizing. The drawing. I hadn’t just seen a gruesome murder, I had seen a drawing of a ceremony. Molly was going to kill me just like in the kid’s drawing. I didn’t want to die, and I definitely didn’t want to die as part of some “ceremony.”
“Quit stalling and strip,” Molly demanded, preparing another kick.
“Whoa, hold on,” I said. “I’m going, I’m going.”
I stood up and grabbed at my belt, starting to unclasp it.
“Molly, this would be a lot easier if I didn’t have these cuffs on.”
Molly took two steps back, opened a drawer, and pulled out the biggest knife I’ve ever seen. Thing looked like a machete.
“It would be even harder with nine fingers,” Molly said, taking a step closer.
“Wow, I never knew how easy it was to take my clothes off while wearing handcuffs,” I said in my best attempt at a chipper, I-want-no-trouble voice.
“Good,” she said.
I got the belt unclasped, and I decided to fully remove it from the pants before undoing anything else, really drag out the process.
“So, Molly, what’s this even all about? Why are you sacrificing Santas?” I asked.
“I believe in something even more powerful, and he feasts on the flesh and souls of Santa,” Molly said,
“Huh,” I said. “That’s pretty terrifying.” I got my pants unbuttoned, and started pulling them down.
“You should be terrified,” Molly said. “But you’re lucky. Your death means you will be spared from having to suffer his rule over the world.”
I had forgotten to remove my boots. I was a little freaked out, and I thought I could remove the Santa pants over the Santa boots, but was I ever wrong. So now the whole lower-leg situation was a total disaster of twisted pants wrapped around black boots.
Molly must have seen that everything was one giant knot of poor choices and figured it was because I was dumb, not because I was sneaky. She walked over, leaned down, and lowered her knife.
“I’m going to cut your pants off. If you try to move or fight it, I will just cut your legs off at the knees, instead. Your choice.”
I liked my feet, so I let her slice off the pants. The knife went through the fabric like it was fuzzy red air, and Molly seemed to enjoy seeing how the sharp cutting of the blade made my eyes widen.
“Now get your boots off,” she said, standing back up.
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, reaching down for the left one. “So, seriously, if this thing’s rule is going to be so terrible, why are you trying to summon it? It doesn’t sound like a good time for anyone, you included.”
“Far from it,” she said, “the one who summons him becomes his lover, his partner in all the horror that is to come. I will have my every lust sated by the demon lord.”
So, Molly is crazy, and not in the “maybe we could go on some dates and have some fun but probably won’t be settling down unless she kicks that coke habit” way. She wanted to be a demon queen. Who even does that?
I finished unlacing the left boot, took it off, and began on the left.
“I have to say Molly, that’s pretty fucked up,” I said.
Molly just laughed.
The left boot came off. I stood back up.
“I’m not taking my underwear off until the end,” I told her.
“Fine, just hurry up,” she said.
I got the big red jacket unbuttoned, but since I couldn’t really get it off with my hand’s cuffed, I started unclasping the big Santa belly strapped to me.
“Where’d you stash the kid, anyway? Is he another sacrifice to this demon lord?”
“He’s the final piece. A child must be a witness, so that his Christmas joy and belief in Santa can be fully destroyed. With your death, the final step will be to sacrifice him and release all of his ruined joy to be the appetizer for the nights or terror to come.”
So I bet the kid was wherever the murder ceremony room was going to be. Guessing by the picture he drew, I’m thinking it was probably one of the bedrooms.
Remember when I said I hadn’t come totally unprepared?
Santa’s belly wasn’t all belly. I thought about hiding a kitchen knife or something in it, but that seemed like a good way to stab myself on accident. So I took a different route. I hollowed out the inside, and I shoved my weighted blanket into it. I know, that sounds weird, but the weighted blanket is great for my anxiety, it won’t make noise or stab me, and it weighs twenty pounds. Any more, and the belly wouldn’t have stayed on right, anyways.
So when I unstrapped that bad boy, I swung it at Molly. By this point, she wasn’t expecting much resistance from me, and with hands full of stabbing implements, she wasn’t in a great way to try to ward off a blunt-force attack. The belly clobbered her in the shoulder and head, and she was sent reeling, staggered by the unexpected concussive force.
Before Molly could recover, I yanked the weighted blanket out of the hollow belly shell and threw it over her. It came down draped over her, taking away her ability to see me or slash at me effectively. I ran at her and gave her a shoulder tackle my high school football coach would have loved, and Molly slammed in the wall before crumpling on the ground.
Time to go.
I whirled around, located the hallway, and ran down it, yelling for the kid. At each door I ducked in, checking, but so far they all looked normal: bedroom, office, bathroom, closet. I turned a corner, and saw flicker light. Candles. Of course there were candles.
Racing into the candlelit room, and saw cuffs already attached to the bed frame, red symbols drawn on the wall, and a young boy chained to an end table whimpering through a gag.
I ran to him and yanked the gag out of his mouth.
“It’s going to be ok, buddy. We just gotta get you out of here.”
He nodded, and yanked his hands against the manacles connecting his arms to the end table.
“Shit shit shit,” I mumbled, looking around for a key or something. No such luck.
The chains looked solid, but maybe I could break them off of the end table. The wood had to be the weak point of this. I lifted the end table, which felt like it weighed 70 pounds. Definitely not going to be carrying this during an escape attempt.
I smashed in on the ground as hard as I could. It cracked, but no significant damage yet. I smashed it again, trying to get the side attached to the manacles to hit first. Another smash, more cracking, but not loose yet. One more smash, and a tongue of wood crackled and stuck out, attached to the chains. I grabbed it and heaved as hard as I could. Splinters dug into my fingers, and I felt beads of blood rolling down my fingers, but there was movement.
Finally, with one final, all-out tug, I snapped it off. We could run for it.
And that’s exactly when the kid screamed.
I turned to look at him, and saw over him that Molly was running into the room, knife raised. I jumped forward, shoved the kid out of the way, and grabbed at Molly’s knife arm. She waggled it out of the way, and the knife buried into my shoulder right as her sprinting body collided into mine and knocked me back.
We fell backwards onto the bed. Molly ripped the knife out of my arm, which hurt even worse than when it went in. She raised the knife again, and I used my good arm to grab her wrist and swing her over. She sprawled in the bed, and the knife fell out of her hand. I was bleeding all over the place, and everything was getting slippery.
My hand shot out at the same time hers did. She was reaching for the knife, and she would have beat me to it, but I was going for something much closer. I grabbed her wrist again, and in one motion slammed her hand into one of the cuffs already attached to the bed frame and clasped it closed. She was locked to the bed by her right arm.
I jumped up, and saw that red mist was coming from the floor.
Definitely time to go.
Molly steamed and howled, and I turned to look at her. She kicked out, and connected with my stabbed shoulder. I hit the ground with a roar of pain, in agony like I had never felt before. Crawling, I moved away from the bed and out of her reach.
The red mist was getting thicker.
“Kid, where the fuck are you?” I hollered.
I felt something grab my arm, and when I looked over, he was right there.
“We gotta roll. Come on,” I said.
He grabbed the log of wood he was still attached to while I got to a wall and used it to help me stand back up again. I grabbed him around the shoulders and we started staggering out when I heard an inhuman roar come from the bedroom.
I turned back around, and saw a creature with jagged horns, long claws, and serrated teeth climbing straight out of the floor. The beast was wearing a shredded Santa suit.
Realizing this was no longer Santa’s line of work, I turned back around, pushed the kid along, and rounded the corner in the hallway.
“I have tasted the blood of a Santa,” I heard a deep, crackling voice say from the bedroom, “but there is no Santa soul here for me to collect.”
“No, my lord, he has escaped. Give me more time, I will bring him to you,” Molly said, almost screaming.
The kid and I ran down the hallway and entered the living room.
“You have brought me here, and I will feed,” I heard the demonic voice say again.
“No, please, please,” I heard Molly say between her sobs.
I got to the front door and tried to open it. Still locked. Throwing the deadbolt, I ripped open the door and pushed the kid out of the house.
“Krampus must feed NOW,” I heard the beast roar.
And to the sound of piercing screams, tearing flesh, and crunching bone, the kid and I ran out of the house, jumped into my car, and sped away, never looking back.
X

Pre-Match Thread: Granada vs Barcelona [La Liga]

Match Information:

Match: Granada vs Barcelona
Competition: La Liga
Date: Saturday, 9th of January 2021
Time: 18:30 CET / 12:30 EST - Convert to local time
Venue: Estadio Nuevo Los Cármenes, Granada - 19336 capacity
Referee: Ricardo De Burgos Bengoetxea

Lineups and Squads:

Barcelona - Official squad confirmed
GK: Ter Stegen, Neto, Iñaki Peña
DEF: Dest, ~~Piqué~~, Araujo, ~~Lenglet~~, Alba, ~~Sergi Roberto~~, Umtiti, Firpo, Mingueza
MID: Busquets, Pjanić, Riqui Puig, ~~Coutinho~~, Pedri, Matheus, De Jong, Ilaix Moriba
ATT: Griezmann, Braithwaite, Messi, Dembélé, Trincão, ~~Ansu Fati~~, Konrad
Unavailable: Piqué, Sergi Roberto, Coutinho, Ansu Fati (injured), Lenglet (suspended)
Not called:

Granada - Official squad to be confirmed
GK: Rui Silva, Aarón Escandell, João Costa, Arnau Fàbrega, Ángel Jiménez, Rafael Romero
DEF: Dimitri Foulquier, Nehuén Pérez, Germán Sánchez, Carlos Neva, Víctor Díaz, Quini, Jesús Vallejo, Domingos Duarte, ~~Neyder Lozano~~, Pepe Sánchez, Raúl Torrente Navarro, Sergio Barcia, Kingsley Fobi
MID: Maxime Gonalons, Luis Milla, Yan Brice, Antonio Puertas, Fede Vico, Montoro, Yangel Herrera, Kenedy, Alberto Soro, Ramon Azeez, Antonio Aranda, Ismael Ruiz, Juan Brunet Bordin, Álvaro Bravo, Eris Abedini, Carlos León García
ATT: Luis Javier Suárez, Soldado, Darwin Machís, Jorge Molina, Jesús Rodríguez, Dani Plomer
Unavailable: Neyder Lozano (injured) Víctor Díaz, Luis Milla (doubtful)
Not called:

Head-to-head:

Last meeting: Barcelona 1:0 Granada
Date: Sunday, 19th of January 2020, 21:00 CET
Competition: La Liga
Threads: Pre-match thread | Match thread | Post-match thread
Highlights: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_xD5-EvkfI

Form guide:

Granada

Form: [W] L W L W
Goals scored: 6
Goals conceded: 6
Last match: Cultural Leonesa 1:2 Granada - Copa Del Rey

Barcelona

Form: [W] W D W D
Goals scored: 10
Goals conceded: 5
Last match: Athletic Club 2:3 Barcelona - La Liga

Comments (Post-match thread):

Author: rmnfcbnyy | Score: 575 pts | Source

I used to enjoy watching Busquets play just as much as Messi. That hadn’t been true for a long time now. Tonight it was true; this was Busquets’ best match in at least 3 years.

Author: Sypherior | Score: 362 pts | Source

Loved seeing Puig get subbed in and getting an applause

Author: atthebatman | Score: 272 pts | Source

First win under Setién! Busquets looked terrific tonight. Hopefully that’s indicative of more to come from him. I think we look much more fluid with our passing through the back and midfield. Time will tell but very encouraging signs nonetheless. Happy to see pretty Riqui out there
Edit: added the accent

Author: Dark-X | Score: 214 pts | Source

Puig came in & a whole new energetic Barca appeared.
Played a major role in the goal play.
Drove the whole team forward.
What a talisman!
& He seems to have connected with Messi very well, too.

Author: Light_KraZe | Score: 164 pts | Source

Holy shit we had more than 1000 passes ! For the first time this season too.

Author: Playmaker-10 | Score: 149 pts | Source

Well, good start to the Setien era. Like the idea of the system with Messi moving to the center which gives him more options to pass to because of the winger on the right. We pressed really well today and it felt like Busquets was reborn again. He was immense. Good performance overall.

Author: el_brahmo | Score: 144 pts | Source

Rakitic’ time is over. He was great but now he is too slow to play in such a position for Barca

Author: choss | Score: 125 pts | Source

Setien had never debuted with a victory in his previous teams....... Glad I'm learning about that stat AFTER the game lol

Author: lIlIIlllIl | Score: 122 pts | Source

Roberto ordered to defend much more. Hardly involved in the attacking phase

Busi playing way more up front at times, sometimes even in front of Vidal and Raki

Messi getting into triangles with Alba and Puig was almost melancholic to see. I bet he (still) dreams about playing the la masia way of football and loves it when youth players get on the team, so he can play the way he was taught. It gave me a hard one.

Puig looked good, lots of forward play with the ball, still needs a lot of time to fully adapt, hope he gets a chance

Perez is amazing. I love the guy; he gets underrated here. Good on the ball, strong, good positioning, forward runs, progressive

Ansu did OK, did what he had to do

Griezmann will flourish under Setien; really a workhorse

Author: BlackFanDiamond | Score: 106 pts | Source

The difference between Puig and Rakitic is night and day. Feels good to have a bold midfielder whose looking to progress the ball forward. This is the way.

Author: WaleedAbbasvD | Score: 82 pts | Source

An absolutely dominant performance. We didn't have the best match offensively but Granada looked toothless.
Anyways, Busi was completely bossing it today. Easily the MOTM.

Author: ApolloVsDionysus | Score: 42 pts | Source

This reminds me of Pep Guardiola's Barca at a non-peak level. Many lateral passes and not enough sync but given the fact that it's just the first game, I can see that there's a lot to come. I wonder who will be the 'Iniesta' of this team breaking through defences on days like these: FDJ? Riqui Puig? Arthur is closer to Xavi in my opinion. Noticed Ansu fati didn't combine much with Sergi Roberto though (not sure if the right flank is to be utilised as much as the left)
It's hard to see where this Barca would rank in the pecking order in Europe. Next week in Valencia would be a much better indication of that.

Author: Itaney | Score: 41 pts | Source

This was Griezmann’s best performance in a Barca shirt IMO. My man was fucking everywhere. He was defending more than Raki and his touch that lead to the goal was outrageous. Setien’s positional football really plays to his strengths as his first touch pass is actually incredible (always has been).
Busi with a godlike performance. Our CB’s had some amazing pressing, especially Umtiti. His ability to sweep passing lanes is second to none on his day, he reads the game so well. He will definitely start under Setien if today was anything to go off — the ground passing between the defenders is clearly a focal part of the system. Lenglet is only better at lofted balls.
Ansu had a very interesting role today. He clearly received instructions to stay wide and make runs from behind and that ended up creating a lot of danger. I definitely don’t think he’s ready for the RW though and if Dembele had that role I am almost certain he would be a standout player in La Liga. But yes, I realise there is a high chance he will relapse again in a few weeks.
The system was way above my expectations. The pressing was intense and everyone stuck to their guy without excessive fouls being committed. A lot more lateral progression between the CB’s than with Valverde and the focus was clearly on patient build up as opposed to the very impatient approach under EV. Our line was also extremely high and we were very open to counters (which I don’t mind as a coordinated press will prevent those situations for the most part). Our mids were closer together, our attackers were very involved in the press and in the build up, and Rakitic was a disaster as one would expect in a positional system. Riqui showed more protagonism in 20 minutes than Raki did in 70. Thank jesus Arthur and De Jong are back.

Author: FloReaver | Score: 20 pts | Source

First match, we won, that's essential.
Always difficult to say which changes are to be awarded to a coach who has been here 1 week, but it does seem like we have seen way more 1-touch football, and the goal shows that.
What's interesting is most players seemed confortable with that, even those who you could doubt could (Vidal (although played with Pep's Bayern), Fati, even Rakitic or S.Roberto who rarely played like this in the current Barcelona). So why didn't we play like this sooner? Pressing was better, sharper too. But again, I'm cautious on what could be an impression, and against a moderatly ambitious team.
It does seem to me that the two winners in tonight's system are Alba and Busquets. Busquets was magnificient, lost 2 balls in the end but won so much more, and had a major contribution in our attacking plays. Again, it could be confirmation bias, but it seemed different for him.
S.Roberto dropping back means Alba was able to roam the left flank more freely. And he contributed with his connection with Messi, who lost a lot of balls (but also created a lot of danger, and that's the most important), but was better used in a central position.
Although, it is important to look at the fact that this was not the same Granada we faced last time, they were much much more defense-oriented. But still, congrats to the team, and a special shout-out to Griezmann who was great high up the pitch, but showed some true defensive skills. (I remember a wonderful sliding tackle almost in the LB role)
So now, what happens next saturday? (Wednesdays will probably be to test other players)
Some questions I'd be curious to have feedback on:

The RB situation: S.Roberto was really good today but it seems like a waste to have him play CB/RB when his acceleration and his capacity to play direct football is one of his main attribute. Shouldn't it be Semedo if it's to play like that then?

Lenglet/Umtiti: I think Lenglet has been an amazing purchase, and I'm in awe at how easy it was for him to cover and even displace Umtiti, even in the France NT (Deschamps is very keen on keeping his main players in the XI squad, even when not playing much (Giroud), but he dropped WC winner Umtiti). But to me, when Umtiti is fit, we need him: he is more punchy, plays faster and more direct than Lenglet. Though he takes more risks as well.

The formation: Fati is incredible for a 17 year-old player, but he is not ready to be a Gala XI player. Perez is a good sub, and Dembele (most likely to slot into the Gala XI) is injured. Should we play a 3-5-2 in Valencia?

P.S : Pretty sure Suarez would have scored sooner tonight, it is going to be difficult without a true "9".

Quotes:

Koeman: "Signings? For the short term it would be important to improve, we need more competition and more effectiveness. There are several reasons to sign, but I respect the situation of the club. If it's not possible now, we will wait." - src @barcacentre
Koeman: "Messi really likes to train and play, he's a winner. He expresses himself when he's not happy and also when he feels happy for the team's result and personal performance. He's giving his best for this team." - src @barcacentre
Koeman: "Dembélé is doing fine, he's confident and he's happy. I like him. He has his qualities in 1v1s, and he can play on both wings. He's different from Leo, Griezmann and Trincão. Hopefully he continues so he can play many more games." - src @barcacentre
Koeman: "Dembélé? The most important thing is a player's physical state. We know that he has had bad luck with injuries. It's complicated. We know that he has a high level, but the important thing is to be physically well. Hopefully he goes on like this." - src @barcacentre
Koeman: "We've told some players that we think it's better for them to have minutes at other teams. The final decision is up to the player. Young players have to play and it's complicated here." - src @barcacentre
Koeman: "With the departure of Aleñá, we need a player. Ilaix can enter the call-up tomorrow, he has already done pre-season with us and he has been training with use these days." - src @barcacentre
Koeman: "Cornellá? They deserved to beat Atlético Madrid, who came out with a strong team. If you don't have your day, anything can happen." - src @barcacentre
Koeman: "Euros for Pedri? It's not my decision. We can say many positive things about Pedri's career. Nobody expected a kid from his age to play almost every game. He deserves it." - src @barcacentre
Koeman: "The latest results are a signal to ourselves and also to our rivals, a signal that we can fight for the league. Players feel high pressure because we can't lose anymore." - src @barcacentre
Koeman: "The important thing for us is to go from game to game." - src @barcacentre
Koeman: "We can't just trust the result of San Mamés, it's another rival and another stadium. We have to be at a good level, be humble, do things right, be focused and show personality on the pitch." - src @barcacentre

Latest News:

[Article] - Ronald Koeman says Barça cannot afford any more slip ups - fcbarcelona.com
[Squad] - 22 man FC Barcelona squad for the trip to Granada - fcbarcelona.com
[Article] - The lowdown on Granada CF - fcbarcelona.com
[Training] - Back at training - fcbarcelona.com
[Article] - When and where to see Granada v Barça - fcbarcelona.com

TV/Online:

Livesoccertv | Liveonsat | FCBarcelona.com

How the premier league stands mid season

Title race
After Spurs draw against Fulham last night i'm confident there are 3 teams left with a chance off the title. Spurs and especially Chelsea and Arsenal are not good enough this season. Despite strong starts from Leicester Saints Villa and Everton i don't think any off those have a chance in fact the middle 2 will do well to get in the top 7.

Liverpool looked like the team to beat but with 2 points from the last 3 games which is one less than sheffield united. Injuries and poor form have made me think the Manchester clubs are at least equal in terms off chance off winning with Man City the favourites and Man Utd about even. The game at Anfield will be vital next week in determining the title race. The winner will likely challenge Man City in my opinion

3 predictions regarding this area off the table

- Man City win the league
- Nobody gets 80 points
- These 3 are at least 10 points clear off 4th

Champions League

Spurs and Chelsea have both looked poor recently giving Everton Southampton Villa and and espeically Leicester the chance for top 4 this season with Leicester the most likely to achually finish 4th and Villa least likely as they will have a compact schudlue next season.
Spurs are more likely to find form than Chelsea as they are 4 points ahead with even games and have looked slightly better than Chelsea recently
Arsenal will also have a chance if they can continue this good but they are pretty easy games compared to average against West Brom and Brighton plus Chelsea have been shit recently. I expect them to beat Palace tonight but won't get anywhere near top 4 and will be in the battle for europa league even though one off my predictions for the next bit is good for Arsenal.

3 predictions

- Leicester get the final top 4 spot on the last day off the season above Spurs

- Everton are in the fight until the 2nd to last game

- Chelsea and Arsenal are at least 7 point off Champions League

Europa League

Everton will finish in the top 7 {which i think is Europa League} 6th is my prediction. So I think there is one spot open between Chelsea Arsenal Southampton Aston Villa with West Ham and Leeds possibly offering outside chances. I don't think Wolves have any chance with Jiminez out and there recent poor form sincebeating Chelsea who are bad enough themselves right now.

Based on recent form I expect Arsenal to overtake Chelsea around week 25 as momentum is on there side and against Chelseas. If Chelsea finish above them they will have to re overtake them. Assuming Arsenal get 3 points tonight.

I think Villa would be a good bet for top 7 but there games will be stacked at the end off the season its likely they will have to make up 3 or even 4 games on a already tight schudle in the second half off the season. I think it will get the better off them espeically if they have more games postponed makin top 8 a more reasonable target. I think there are sides below them like Chelsea and Arsenal that have a good chance off over taking them.

I think Saints have the best chance off the non big 9 clubs {the 9 clubs everyone put in the top 9 at the start off the season i think you can work it out from now not the top 9 in the table} to get top 7 and do have a reasonable chance in my opinion.

Leeds if they can play at there best can be in the fight as well but they always paly really good and win by 3+ goals or play terrible and lose by 3+ goals. They have conceaded the 2nd most goals despite being comfortbale in midtable. If anything I think they are liekly to get found out though form has been good with 3 wins from the last 5.

If you don't count the first 2 games where West Ham looked pretty poor they would have 7 wins to 3 losses and they have not lost to a non big 6 club this season except Newcastle on the first day. They have been surprisingly good this season but similar to Leeds i don't think they will have a stand out 2nd half off the season and will finish 10th at best.

My 3 predictions

- Arsenal finish above Chelsea

- Southampton beat Arsenal to the spot on the final day

- Only 5 points seperate 7th and 12th at the end off the season

meh teams
Leeds and West Ham have the potential to drop into this group Wolves have the potential to move up but I don't see it without Jiminez espeically with 2 draws and 3 losses in there last 5. It's not Nunos fault and he should not be sacked he's the reason they got here in the first place as a stable mid table side way clear off relegtion. I can't because the 2 reasons i've already mentioned see them finishing higher than 12th which is around where they will finish maybe even a bit lower. They will do very well to get 50 points this season.
Crystal Palace have been the most bang average side in the league not near europe or relegation simialr to Wolves but with less intresting stories and most consistant form as they have never been on a really good or bad run beating Arsenal tonight could give them an outside chance off pushing top 10 and being above mid table.

If any teams below most likely to do so would be Burnley they could also enter this group.

Unless Neves or Zaha get injured these teams arn't coming lower than 15th or higher than 12th.

The bottom six

Burnley are quite likely to finish nowhere near the relegation zone and Dyche has turned there form around quite suddenly and they have had 3 wins very recently from a terrible positions where they looked well on track for relegation. 4 points against Brighton and Palace gave them the boost and 4 against Everton and Arsenal kicked started there season. I think they are likely to finish well above the 40 point mark possibly pushing Palace and Wolves.

Newcastle have been on alful form 2 points from the last six which included games against Fulham and Sheff Utd. They are very likely to end up in the relegation battle and look like a sure bet for the bottom 5 unless they change manager quick.

Fulham look like a better side and are now on a 5 game unbeaten run in the league and six if you include the cup albiet all the league ones are draws at least they are not losing. If they continue like this they have a good chance off beating Brighton or Newcastle.

Even though they play very good football i don't think brighton will improve they have been playing very good football which looks like a top 10 side since the start off last season but nothing ever seems to come off it as they can not win at home. They have scored 8 and conceaded 11 yet havn't won in there last 8 getting 5 draws which arn't that useful in a 3-1-0 points sytem and 3 1 goal margin losses they score 3 goals the one game they conceade 3 goals. They need a win to re gain confidence and are likely to go down to be honest. If they lose Leeds away which is likely that means they will have 1 4 points after playing every team once that means they will finish around 28. I think they as well as all the bottom 6 teams except Newcastle and possibly WBA will improve but not by as much as Burnley lets say. Can't believe Burnley are even to these guys in the betting odds.

WBA have conceaded 13 and socred 1 under big sam luckily the goal came in the game they needed it most and that Liverpool point was lucky as they were not the better team. I could see Big Sam spening loads off money in the window and leaving them laods off deadwood to recover in the championship.

Sheff Utd I don't think we can make up a 9 point gap even though i expect the recent boost in confidence will mean a WAY stronger 2nd half to the season. 9 points to Brighton is a point less than the 10 point gap Chelsea have to Man Utd. Never say never but it would be very surprisng for my blades to stay up. Same thing for WBA. We achually outplayed them without that win they would have 2 less than the next least wins.

3 predictions

- Brighton Sheff Utd and WBA are relegated

- Fulham finish above Newcastle

- Sheff Utd don't break Derbys record and finish on 20-25 points and above West Brom

Please excuse the poor spelling and gammer I took forever to write this. I most off my I arn't capitals

Elephants on the Field: Week 2

Elephants

Winning at fantasy means making predictions and acting on them prior to other players. To do that, you don't always have the privileges of hindsight and deduction. You will need foresight and inference. I hope to offer a some good if not somewhat inferential arguments for why some early moves on this weekly (if I have time) post.
Fantasy thinking is often over-obsessed with statistical correlations at the expense of firm causal understanding of what is happening on the field. The forest is often lost for the trees. A combination of understanding the game of football, recognizing interconnected changes that will influence teams, and eye testing the games themselves is the best antidote to the groupthink, herd-mentality of fantasy football expertism which, time and again, proves spotty at best in anticipating changes.
Last week I posted this as "Eye-tested Takes" but I realized that's not what I was aiming for. A variety of posters and services watch the whole game and give you maximally thorough takes on every snap. I won't offer much of an opinion on players/teams I don't watch. I'll always watch enough. However, a lot of what I'll make as the case for picking up (or dropping) a player will be based on obvious things that are happening that rankings-myosis may miss.
There's always an elephant in the room that no one want's to acknowledge. This post gives fantasy advice that accounts for the elephants on the field.

Things I'm right about (so far):

1. Rivers Noodle Arm = Colts Lean into Jonathon Taylor:

With the quality of that offensive line, Mack going down, and Rivers looking like shit, Jonathon Taylor may end-up being a top-5 back this year. TY Hilton and Parris Campbell are going to disappoint you.

A bunch of commenters disagreed, insisting Hines was the guy to get and Taylor as a top-5 was nuts. This is an instance of the eye-test making people too smart. Yes, Taylor netted 22 yards on 9 carries week 1. Who cares, he was great in college (larger sample size) and more importantly, Rivers looks SOOO spent that Taylor is the only obvious bell-cow RB for what is probably the best O-line in the league. You want that. Rivers threw it 25 times in week two (down from 44). Taylor had 26 carries, 2 receptions, 110 yards, and 1 touchdown. It was obvious what had to happen in Indy but fantasy groupthink herded everyone toward Hines.
If you had the audacity to ignore me on this (/s), the good news is there's still time. His trade value has skyrocketed on most charts but he's not quite valued as a top back yet. If you get the feel someone is under-valuing him, don't wait longer because his first 2 TD game is going to make him inaccessible in a trade. The Colts defense is also looking good enough to maintain a lead throughout a game, opening-up more run play calls. (Rivers sucking is going to do that all the time anyway).
And if you still don't believe me, watch his highlights from this week and you'll see why he could be such a focal point. He does a lot of things that coaches like to lean-into: great ball security, adds 2-3 yards to the end of runs, explosive speed when he has big holes.
2.Browns Offense is fine:

Don't panic about the Browns offense. Baker Mayfield looked like trash but the running offense actually looked pretty good at times...Stefanski is the guy you need to believe in... The biggest takeway from the game isn't the Browns offense is bad, its that the Ravens defense is great.

Both Browns running back scored multiple TD's and registered more than 150 yards each week 2. Baker continued to suck and it didn't matter. Stefanski's offense is good and his coaching career is a testament to his talent. All-Ivy-League Football Player. First coaching job was in the NFL. They wouldn't let him leave for 14 years because they knew he was a talent.
So don't run from Chubb or Hunt yet. And if you have them both, start them both and don't feel bad (unless you have a clearly better option like Zeke too...then probably favor starting Kareem Hunt the larger your ppr value, but its a tough call). The Browns are a perfect storm that make both startable: (a) Both Chubb and Hunt have top-5 rb talent and it comes across when you watch them on the field. With good combinations of strength and speed, each one is TD risk on every snap. (b) Sefanski divides snaps very well. Both are getting touches-a-plenty. They just signed they're "back-up" RB to a new contract (I mean, how often does that happen in the modern NFL?). KS also divides snaps by drive, unless a drive gets very long, so even if Chubb is doing well, he's going to give Kareem Hunt a whole drive. (c) starting both is fading Baker which is smart. The Browns are going to increasingly realize that their offense is more effective with Baker doing less. They may even move to Case Keenum (their back-up, legit didn't know that last week) and that's fine for Chubb/Hunt.
I wouldn't run from OBJ or Jarvis Landry yet either, though Baker's ineptitude has got to make you worry. Think about what Minnesota offenses did over the years with Diggs, Theilen, etc. Both OBJ and Landry are going to be solid bets for big-play TD's (like OBJ's last Thursday) here and there but likely not breaking the top-10. Still, the talent ceiling is high with both so a buy-low scenario where you get them in a trade could pay-off if you bet on Stefanski more than Mayfield.
3. Deandre Hopkins is the WR1

Deandre Hopkins will be the #1 fantasy receiver this year... And most importantly, the offensive situation in Arizona is the perfect storm for his fantasy situation. Kyler Murray is good, but he's not working his way through progressions yet.

Hopkins nabbed a TD but only had 9 targets this week. I'll admit that I only watched Kyler Murray's highlights so forgive me if its there and I didn't see it, buuuuut...He's not completing passes to 2nd and 3rd reads. Its one read then run. That's great for Hopkins' stats because the further into the season they get, the MORE Hopkins is going to be involved on plays designed to chuck it to him, no matter what. Hopkins is one of those guys that's always open, and Kyler is a smart player who knows that AND knows he's not good enough yet to start looking for someone else if Hopkins is "covered". That may hurt the Cardinals at some point. But Hopkins is getting fed this season.
And obviously, a rash of injuries at WR has made this look to be a better prediction. Hopkins is already a stud in that offense and he's still learning it. His stock is only going up from here.
Its true the WR's new offenses typically do poorly. A couple of reasons why that's not true of Hopkins: (a) he's physically the most gifted receiver in the league. Randy Moss kicked ass his first year with the Patriots. Some players are talented enough that it doesn't take time, as long as they're smart as hell like Randy Moss or (b) Hopkins is an intelligent dude. He negotiated his own contract and didn't fuck it up. He wants to be G.M. Big brained guy, he'll pick up quickly. You can see that on the field, he's constantly looking back at Kyler to make sure he did the right thing on each play. (c) HOF'er in the WR room: Fitz will get him up to speed fast.
Quick note about Kyler Murray: He's tearing it up. One encouraging thing that you might not see how little he's allowing himself to be tackled. As a fantasy owner, that's encouraging because it suggests he can sustain a high running floor and not get injured. And there's an added assurance that he's putting those slides for zero yards (for example) on tape because the coaches see that too and are more willing to call more of those plays down the stretch. Still, I wouldn't compare him to Lamar Jackson last season yet. Lamar Jackson was throwing TD's to his 4th and 5th read in week 1 against the Dolphins last season. Murray may hit a scheme ceiling where defenses, especially good ones, start to take away his 1 and 2 and contain his run game (though it is strong and he has good vision).

Things I was totally wrong about: zero things!

HA! Next section!

Things I'm not right about yet but pretty soon I will be:

1. Joe Burrow AJ Green is going to be good.

If you watch the game, you see Joe Burrow fitting the ball into tight windows in clutch situations. In fact, he wasn't finding a lot of open receivers, he was throwing the ball well/correctly into great coverage and making lemonade. Also, AJ Green is looking fully healthy and like his old self.

Well, AJ Green was targeted 13 times and caught...3 of those passes for 29 yards. So clearly, the chemistry between them was oversold by me last week. Still, 13 targets is encouraging and so is the Bengals inability to run the ball. No matter how much they try, they're wretched run-blocking always leaves them down late in games and in 3rd-and-forever situations. They just let a rookie throw it 61 times.
Another consideration is that Denzel Ward was covering Green all night:

A.J. Green has had an up-and-down career vs. the Browns. Thursday’s game was on the down side, and it had mostly to do with Denzel Ward.
Green had three catches for 29 yards. Overall, Ward broke up three passes against the Bengals. And according to Next Gen Stats, Ward was making life difficult for Joe Burrow all night, forcing eight tight window passes in 11 targets as the nearest defender.

Green is still pretty low on trade value charts but stands to have a huge upside as Burrow's primary target.
2. Rodgers is back.

...are there really any physical traits that are important to his game that would fade significantly at 36 year's old? I didn't see any missing zip off of his throws. I did see fucking darts getting tossed all over the field into tiny windows.

Aaron Jones is the #1 fantasy RB right now so obviously saying Rodgers is fully back is pre-mature. However, he is impressing with some very, very pretty darts.
Also, the elephant on the field for the Packers is that Aaron Rodgers is a player driven by ego. Not a knock on him, he's just a guy who needs mojo to play at his finest. Maybe it required the stimulation of an insulting draft pick to prod him back into his HOF form. I'm not saying Rodgers can be a top 3 QB this year with Jackson and Murray running so well, but 4 or 5 doesn't seem out of reach.
Rodgers is pff top-graded QB right now btw.

Fresh takes:

1.The Ravens are the best defense in the NFL.
The loss of Earl Thomas is doesn't matter as much as what has been gained with Patrick Queen and L.J. Fort. Queen is incredibly fast and explosive underneath, getting into the backfield and making big plays. And L.J. Fort (top rated pff lb right now) combine to give them rangey-coverage, tackling, and pass break-up ability over the middle they didn't have before which has further weaponized they're depth at CB (Humphrey, Peters, Smith). Peters specifically is a ball hawk that's found a great home in Baltimore; he couldn't scheme well anywhere else but Harbaugh has found a way to give him the freedom to ball hawk. Over the long haul, Harbaugh has maintained a great defense, regardless of departures/changes, for years and years. When he has this much talent, his defenses are typically dominant.
Be warry of starting iffy players against them at any position.
They're worth trading for, I think the turnovedef TD potential makes them worth it.
2. J.K. Dobbins will break-out out as the preferred option in the Ravens backfield.
Mark Ingram and Gus Edwards have both proven to be reliable RB's for the Raven offense. But Ingram is 30 with over 200 carries in 3 of the last 4 seasons. Edwards has been reliable, a home-grown UDFA. But at 238lbs and without elite speed, he's leaving many big runs on the table.
Dobbins didn't attend the combine. But ran a 4.44 40...in high school:

Dobbins posted a 4.44s 40-yard dash, 4.09s short shuttle and a 43.1-inch vertical jump as a high school senior at the event. There are also many reports that Dobbins squatted over 700 pounds.

He has power running balance and break-out speed that NONE of the other backs in Baltimore have. 4th rounder Justice Hill was their attempt of to develop that speed last year but didn't break out.
A couple of elephants make this one a good bet:
(a) Lamar's durability -- right now, he's taking a bunch of carries because he's the only one in their backfield that has the speed to break huge runs. If Dobbins can fill that role, Lamar Jackson can afford to take fewer chances and John Harbaugh can opt to only drop him back to pass 7 times in the second half when they're winning, like what happened in week 2.
(b) that defense -- Baltimore's defense is going to be great enough this year to take over games, making steady doses of run plays inevitable as they'll spend a lot of games up by 2 scores. Yes, they were up like that a lot last year but their only homerun hitter in the backfield was Lamar (see above, Justice Hill wasn't getting it done).
Here's an example: this is a shot from Gus Edwards' 22 yard scamper last week:

https://preview.redd.it/mhhhpzmkrxo51.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=3cdf46ac4bcce3e503729f909c0e787f85459eb9
The Ravens offensive line is good at opening holes like this. While it didn't prove important in this game (BAL was up 30-16 at the time), each run like this where a more explosive player could scored is an opportunity cost for the people calling plays. And its not just points left behind, its points scored while Lamar is watching like a fan. Its points that could allow more aggressive defensive play calling. If you're a coach for Baltimore, you don't necessarily want Lamar to have a gaudy stat-line every week if you're winning. If he can throw 16 passes in a game and then sit-out the 4th quarter, that's ideal from the franchise's perspective (though not so much for Fantasy managers). Each Ingram/Edwards run that coulda been a touchdown means there's more time on the field for Lamar, larger portion of the game where they're not playing a dominant lead, and higher chance that they'll lose because points were left on the field. They need someone else hitting home runs in the running game.
Am I fading Lamar because of all of this? Not yet. Eye test = that guy is a singular talent. His throwing motion is smooth like Vick's, just a gifted, effortless release. He's also great at mostly avoiding contact (though all contact is bad contact if you're his coaches). Great decision maker too. Makes multiple reads on plays. Can't say enough about how great of player he is. Still, Baltimore is well put-together enough that they may be able to functionally win without him. So don't be surprised if, especially approaching the playoffs, Baltimore starts calling plays that don't involve as much Lamar. What's scary is that they may be a complete football team without him and he's the reigning MVP.
Finally, Dobbins had two carries last week. One was for a 44 yard gain where the blocking was good but not nearly as good as the image above. Even if the transition to him isn't fast, he could force the issue like Chubb did his rookie year, gaining 100 yards on 3 carries in a game.
No matter what, the Ravens will run by committee but there will come a point where the player to start out of the trio is Dobbins without a doubt.
3. Minshew is the truth and his team situation makes him a great fantasy player.
Minshew isn't the most talented QB in the league. But above all things, he is competitive and scrappy. The Jags are good but not great so he's going need a lot of that scrappy-iness (lol, just say that sentence out loud, you'll hear it). James Robinson is very good and they're going to lean on him a lot. But when the time for much needed yards and points, it seems like the Jags tag Gardner Minshew II's Id in at offensive coordinator. Minshew isn't likely going to be top-5 qb but he might make the top 10 and is likely easier to get than other top targets.
Part of the reason DJ Chark isn't getting the production folks hoped is because Minshew is effectively spreading the ball around. Good for the jags, bad for fantasy owners. I wouldn't panic.
One of his targets I picked-up to stash is Laviska Shenault Jr. He's getting a legit number of carries each week and averaging over 10 yards per reception. He's an interesting pick-up because he doubles as handcuffs for Robinson. Seems like his carry count could go up to 10ish no problem if the Jags lost Robinson. So pay attention to what position he's listed in your league, scoring rules about how carries count in ppr, etc. But he passes the eye test, very shifty and fast on the field.
4. Teams that are quickly turning into dumpster fires that you should across-the-board fade:
Jets
Gase is the worst. Never underestimate the ability of a shitty boss to ruin a workspace and make everyone fucking hate themselves, even though they're well compensated to play a game for a living. Listen, I know there's always gems on bad teams. But I have high blood pressure. So tuning into games with players I need to play well and watching the offense go 3-and-out 5 times in a row...I'm literally too old for that shit now so I try to stray-away from dumpster fire teams.
Vikings
Kubiak has got some big Stefanski shoes to fill and he's doing a bad job so far. I wouldn't panic about Dalvin Cook yet but another bad couple of weeks and I'd start shopping him. See the Browns thing above: Stefanski may have made the Vikings offense look better than it actually was for a decade. Combine that with the defense whose secondary would be better if they were scare crows and you're looking at a team that can't plan to run the ball for more than a quarter or 2.
Teams to be worried about:
Broncos
Whew, the injuries. They're basically just starting with new team. We'll see how things go.
Detroit
Matt Patricia may have lost this team. And coaches like him don't recover team faith/confidence well in a loss-spiral.
Texans
BoB is going to crash that plane into a mountain while we all watch. Poor Watson, just watching Deandre Hopkins ball-out. One thing you can still bet on for awhile out of the Texans offense; Bill O'Brien is ego- and career-invested in David Johnson doing great things. He'll role with him when he shouldn't to prove to everyone that he was right to trade Nuk. Its dumb. But he's dumb.

Fortune Favors The Bold (FFTB) Predictions

WARNING: What you're about to read is not necessarily good fantasy advice, but things for me to say "told you so" about a week from now. I take no responsibility for any money you lose (and all responsibility for the money you win). Still, Alexander the Great said, Fortune Favors the Bold.

JK Dobbins scores more fantasy points than CEH this week. (This prediction is backed-up by the time-honored tradition of spitting in one's hand and shaking on it so this shit is serious. Its also painful because I'm a Chiefs fan.)
Laviska Shenault scores a running and a receiving touchdown tonight.
Jonathon Taylor is the RB1 this week and its not close.
Danny Dimes throws 3 TD's this week against the 49ers.

I'm probably wrong about most of this shit but FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD!

Thanks for reading! If I continue to be kind mostly right and people find it a good read, I'll keep posting these each week. Good luck!

EDIT: Thanks for the awards and upvotes strangers! I'll bring the column back next week. Appreciate the comments too, thanks for the banter, shit-talk, and criticism. I'll be spittin in palms again soon.
EDIT AGAIN: Thanks again for the feedback. This is fun and I'm going to enjoy doing it again next week. Some of the comments have suggested that the post doesn't really go out on many limbs. I'll do that more in the future. I've also added an extra section with a few "FFTB predictions" for this week.

Battle of the Exes III Episode 4

Previously on the Challenge
Current Couples:

Aneesa & Rachel & Veronica
Ashley K. & CJ
Ashley M. & Hunter
Brooke & Ev
Cara Maria & Abram
Casey & Bananas
Devyn & Big Easy
Emily & Paula & Ty (TEP)
Kellyanne & Wes
Laurel & CT
Nany & Cohutta
Sarah & Alton
Tori D. & Jordan
~~Melinda & Danny~~
~~Coral & Paulie~~
~~Tori H. & Brad~~

People aren't too shook about the exit of Danny and Melinda other than Wes who saw them as a vote in his pocket. They weren't super involved in the house and people weren't overly concerned about getting out Devyn and Big Easy since Devyn is the house's therapist low key.

It finally happens. Hunter finds out that not only is Ev a lesbian, but she's a lesbian interested in Laurel. It all started when Bananas started a petition to rearrange the partners. He wanted to put Ev with Laurel, Brooke with Cohutta, and Nany with CT. Pretty much all members of the house sign on, as an attorney, Ev draws up a formal agreement on the switch simply awaiting TJ's signature to make the change official.

CJ and Ashley K. are still making out in the hot tub.

At the challenge, Banana's presents the petition to TJ. TJ is dying of laughter and we get a shot of him walking off set to discuss the potential new pairs with producers, it's decided that the change is a no go. They're too far into the game for a change, plus only CT and Nany are actually "exes".

Daily Challenge Format: each team has a dumpster-like contraption that's going to work as a scale. Without splitting up from their partner(s), the teams must travel 300 yards (it's described as the length of 3 football fields since it's assumed that's one of the few units of measurements the viewers will understand) to a giant pile of rocks. each person will pick up as many rocks as they can and dump them into their respective dumpster-like contraption in 1 hour.

Oh and one more thing. Tonight will be a double elimination. Not only will the team that performs the best be immune at this elimination, they will also get to single handedly toss a team in to also compete against the last place team and the house vote.

Most people are pretty sure that Ty, Paula, and Emily are gonna win and Aneesa, Rachel, and Veronica are going to come in second with their quantity of people advantage; however, on their first run back with rocks, Veronica accidentally drops a rock on Aneesa's foot :(. So that slows them down and pretty much puts them out of the running for first place. TEP start out strong, they're running real fast and carrying lots of stuff. Unfortunately though, as anybody who has seen Cutthroat knows, Ty has a kryptonite, and about 30 minutes in he is gassed out.

Once those two teams are out of the competition, it's not overly surprising who are champs are (they might've even had a shot against the teams with 3 people....) Laurel and CT with their first daily win of the season so far! They weren't the fastest team, but CT was able to carry more than just about any other guy in a single trip and Laurel was carrying more than a decent number of the guys as well.

As for last place, it was a close race between Nany & Cohutta and Brooke & Ev, but because they were able to get an extra trip in while Nany & Cohutta barely missed the cut off, Brooke & Ev sqeak out a win.

Oh and another kinda important thing that happened during the challenge... Big Easy quit the game! He was doing real well with carrying stuff but got tired and was frustrated by Devyn's comments (all of which were very kind and encouraging tbh). Devyn is told her new partner will arrive before the next daily challenge but she will not be eligible for elimination since she was unable to complete the daily. (production really is just making up rules as they go)

Cara Maria has a sit down with Abe and tells him he needs to stop voting their team in. Abe hesitantly agrees to at least take a break from it but is unwilling to say he won't try again later in the game.

A lot of the teams are trying to convince Laurel & CT to toss in a dominant team such as Jordan & Tori or TEP since there is an above average change of the team getting sent in going home being as it's a double elimination. They're considering it but also aren't sure if they're a team that would benefit from the strong teams being targeted yet.

Wes is scrambling at this point. He knows that after last vote, it's gonna be difficult to get the numbers on his side while targeting who he really wants to. He tries to talk to Bananas about it. Johnny is loving it, getting to see Wes "grovel and beg for mercy." He's throwing out ideas like Sarah & Alton to get out somebody Bananas doesn't like all that much.

A lot teams are worried about getting thrown in by CT & Laurel and are trying to base their votes off of who they'd want to go against if they are thrown in. Jordan gets the idea to throw in Brooke & Ev. It seems like best case scenario. As was shown in the last challenge, they're a physically weaker team. They'll be guaranteed to knock out at least one of Brooke and Cohutta who were never gonna break from each other. Plus, for Jordan and Tori, it decreases the chances they'll get thrown in since Laurel is going to want a weaker team thrown in against Ev.

The Votes:

Sarah & Alton: Bananas, Brooke, Casey, Ev, Hunter
Brooke & Ev: all other eligible voters (CT & Laurel can't vote)

Laurel & CT's nomination: Aneesa & Rachel & Veronica

The Elimination Format: it's one of Ev's most famous eliminations: that weird string one from the Ruins. Each player's arms and ankles are attached by long strings to their opponents respective limbs. Their goal is to pull their opponent off the platform they're standing on. Since there are 3 pairs competing, there will be 6 initial rounds to find the top 3 performers. Once there are only players left, each player will be connected to either the left or right side of each of their opponents. Last (wo)man standing wins.

Since there are 3 competitors on one of the teams, they will have to choose the 2 strongest players to compete. They decide to sit out Aneesa because of her leg injury.

Round 1 Matchups (round winners are bolded):

Rachel & Cohutta
Nany & Brooke
Ev & Veronica

Round 2:
Well this goes about as you'd expect. In a twist of fate, Rachel went from playing the whole game 3 against 2 to playing 1 against 2 and she ended up losing, being able to pull only one side of her 2 opponents while they had nobody else competing against them.

Ev's lucky visor worked! All tangled up in rope, she and Brooke congratulate each other and then run to their significant others. Brooke gives a titanic goodbye to Cohutta and Ev runs into Laurel's arms.

Devyn is told that her new partner is on their flight here. They won't announce who it is but they will say it is somebody she loved in the past who let her down despite both of them trying to make it work...

Best Quotes of the Episode:

Ashley & CJ: no words, just them making out

Ev: "Ya, I'd take Laurel as my partner. Can't think of a team that could beat us. We'd win the whole thing."

Sarah: "I think this'll be a really fun challenge. SO EXCITED"

Ashley M.: "I don't know why Hunter refused to vote for Ev. SHE'S GAY! And he knows that now. Not voting for her ain't gonna make her straight."

CT: (stretching arms) "I mean ya, I lift"

Bananas: "As much as I may hate her, I've gotta make a strategic move here with this vote. Sarah already knows I'm not gonna work with her, Ev's been been voting with me so if she comes back I might as well keep it that way. I've seen her win a 3-way elimination against all guys, so I'm not betting against her."

Cohutta: "It's hard, having to leave Brooke there all alone, but I know she'll win it all and I asked Ev to take care of her in there. I'm sure I'll see her again after the game.”

I apologize on the delay for this episode, it's been a busy week. Regardless, if you'd like to check out the "secret scenes" just comment a question below and I'll make sure to get back with you.

My story. Please tell me your thoughts

You wont believe this.
Sara told her boss Leon as she sat down at the lunch table.
“Wont believe what?” He smiled at her as he ate.
“My husband. He not only picked out this outfit i wore today. But he asked me to help him out by locking his dick up. How messed up is that?” Sara said as she sat and adjusted her salad on her lunch tray.
Leon about choked on his food. “What?”
“See. I told you you wouldn’t believe it! What kind of a freak would want his wife, no. Help his wife wear a dress this clingy, and have me wear my sexiest sheer lingerie to work and then want her to lock his dick in some sort of thingy to keep him from getting an erection. Can you believe he told me that it will keep him from jerking off while thinking of how sexy i am and all the guys hitting on me? God i married a fucking looser!” She vented.
Leon leaned back in his chair a little now paying complete attention to Sara. Even though he had known her for a few years from working at the same hospital, he sort of kept his distance since she was married. But that didn’t mean he hadn’t noticed that since her marriage she had started working out and losing weight. He just thought married life was treating her well.
He now looked closer at her. She was wearing an off the shoulder little black dress and knee high boots with black tights. The dress clung to her body enough to show her large breasts and flat stomach. Her short blonde hair and makeup looked even more flawless than usual. Leon could only imagine the sheer bra and panties she mentioned.
“Well i can say. If your husband picked out that get up. He has just as good a taste in women’s clothes as he does in beautiful women.” Leon said while looking at her like a piece of meat waiting for her to respond.
Sara looked up to see his big brown eyes as she noticed how he looked at her. She blushed then looked down at her salad. “Um. Im sorry. I mean. Um thanks i guess. Its just. Today has been really off i guess. And i really shouldn’t be talking to you about this. But you are my closest guy friend and i just felt i needed a mans input on this.” She stuttered.
When Sara looked at his face And blushed and looked away Leon smiled and watched as she played with her food. She looked like the hot cheerleader on campus nervous to talk to the jocks. He chuckled. “Well. I feel privileged you picked me Sara. But i already gave you my input. You look amazing in that outfit. Your husband. Whats his name? Did an excellent job getting you dressed today.” Leon bragged pretending to ignore her.
“Chris. His name is Chris. “. Sara said. “And yes. He selected all of this. Even ironed it. And even helped me put it on. At first i thought it sort of odd. Its was sexier then i usually wear. Much less to work. But every since i did. Its like everyone has treated me different. The security guards about tripped over themselves just to open the door for me. The orderlies have all walked past my desk at least a dozen times. All making a point to speak. I have even gotten compliments from the nurses asking where i got it. And now. Just a minute ago. You looked at me differently too. Like you were seeing me for the first time. And im guessing its all from how im dressed. I guess Chris is right after all. “. Sara sighed as she nibbled her lunch.
Loen laughed. “Well i cant speak for everyone else. But its not everyday. The mousey little married woman from accounting that usually shows up at the same cafeteria lunch table wearing scrubs and sneakers, arrives dressed to the nines. Like she is going on a romantic dinner date. Sits down accross from me and mentions how her husband apparently gets off knowing other men hit on his wife. “. Leon boasted. “Much less that locking up his little pecker comment. I mean how would you look at someone after that?”
Sara blushed again as she looked again at Leon. His mocha skin contrasting with his broad white smile. His doctors scrubs barely concealing his tall muscular frame from his collegiate football career. He had to be at least 6’4 and 250 lbs. Sara had always considered Leon the ideal man. Tall. Muscular. Athletic. Driven. He was also the up and coming plastic surgeon at the hospital. She could feel her pulse race as he looked her up and down. as she finally felt she had his full attention for the first time.
“I don’t know. Like some sort of basket case i guess. Maybe i shouldn’t have mentioned it. Just forget about it.” Sara went back to eating her lunch.
“Whoa. Wait a minute. What type of a man would i be if i didn’t help a beautiful, and i mean really beautiful damsel in distress? Now come on. What do you want to know? I only have about twenty minutes before my next appointment. If we don’t get it sorted today we could set up something for same time tomorrow in my office. I have a full hour. For more privacy. You could let your little hubby dress you up again. I think you would look stunning in something red.” Leon chuckled again.
Sara smiled. “Well whats your opinion? Lol. Not on my looks. Thanks again. On my husbands ideas about locking him up?”
“Well. When i was in college i took psychology and did a paper on relationship dynamics. I enjoyed it so much that i made my minor in psychology with emphasis on relationship dynamics and couples counseling. Figured if plastic surgery wasn’t going good i could us that as a fall back. Either way i get to help out damsels in distress. Lol”. Leon laughed. “It seems like you married a ‘beta’ male that is hoping you would take a more dominant role in the relationship. Now don’t panic. Its pretty common. He obviously is very in love with you and want the best for you. I mean look how stunning he has you right now. So first off don’t worry. You aren’t going to lose him. Second off. There is no need to rush this. Just enjoy all of his attention and listen to him. Right now the ball is in your court. Lol. Or at least both of his. Lol. Now. Remember. Same time tomorrow. My office. I will order in food. And you get Chrissy to dress you in red. Tell him you have a lunch date and want to look your sexiest. Lol. Trust me. Lol. Gotta go. See you tomorrow!”
Leon got up and left Sara sitting there questioning his comments. Chris was a beta male? But it had been almost three years since the wedding. He had never done anything like this before now. Up until now it had just been vanilla missionary sex every few days. Which usually resulted in him getting excited and only lasting a minute or two inside her before cumming and passing out leaving her unsatisfied.
Maybe Leon was right. Was she overthinking this whole thing? What did she have to lose? Maybe she would play along a little and see where it takes her.
After lunch Sara returned to her office and another parade of guys just dropping by to check on this or that. At the end of the day she couldn’t stop smiling as the guards again opened the doors for her but this time called her by name. Now it seemed like every man at the hospital knew who Mrs Sara Jones was and liked what they saw!
At home Sara entered the house to the smell of something cooking in the kitchen. Chris greeted her at the door with her favorite drink in his hand. Leading her to her favorite chair and turning on the news on tv. This was her favorite way to unwind.
“So. Here is your martini. Just relax while i finish dinner. Your favorite. Burnt chicken and asparagus.” Chris gently kissed her before going back in the kitchen to check on things. Only to return a few minutes later.
“So? Did you have a good day?” He asked.
“Yes. It was okay. Just busy busy all day. Only left my office for lunch.” Sara tried to downplay the attention she got.
“Oh i bet honey. Would you like me to help you slip off your boots and rub your feet?” Chris asked.
“Mmm. No. Just let me relax. Maybe after dinner i will let you touch my feet. Just call me when dinner is ready.” Sara dismissed him sort of rudely but quickly noticed how he followed her request and went back in the kitchen.
Sara watched the news and finished her drink. Beta male she thought. “Oh Chris. Can i get a refill?” She called out.
Chris quickly appeared refilling her martini. “There you go honey. Dinner is just finishing. I will make your plate in the kitchen. “ he then disappeared back into the kitchen.
Sara smiled to herself as she sipped her drink before heading into the kitchen to find him setting the table. “Mmmm. Smells good honey.” She said as she sat down. Chris fixed his plate sitting across from her.
“So? Did you have time to think about my proposal honey?” Chris asked between bites.
“What proposal is that Chris?” Sara asked pretending she didnt know.
Chris blushed as he made eye contact with her. “About... um chastity.” He stuttered looking down.
“Oh. You mean about me locking your little pee pee in a cage? Mmm. I mean i thought about it a little. As much as it deserved. Lol. “Sara giggled between bites. “I mean why shouldn’t we try it. Not like that little thing has ever done anything for me other than dribble cummies on me. But i still don’t understand how locking up that dinky thing is going to improve anything for me? You know. How is this chastity thing going to benefit me in any way? Not like i will be getting anything out of it at all.”
Sara looked at Chris reaction. He thought about what she said. “Well. I think. That if you lock me in chastity that i will be more focused on work and less on touching my dick....”
Sara laughed. “Your per pee. You certainly can even call that a dick. My own fingers are longer and thicker than it is. “ sara sounded a little angry.
“Okay. I can understand that. I think it will keep me from touching my pee pee. Plus it will help me be a better husband and focus on making sure you orgasm. And help me understand how you could go so long without cumming. Didn’t you say you have never cum since we got married?” Chris spoke but never looked up.
“Mmmm. Well. It sounds like you put in a lot of thought about locking up your pee pee. But i still don’t get what is in it for me? Just how are you going to make sure i reach orgasm?” Sara asked sitting up at the table. Pushing her breasts out as she arched her back. “I mean. You haven’t been able to in the last three years and now you are just going to make it happen?” Sara smiled.
“No. Its not like that. Its.... well. I would be willing to try things that i wasn’t willing to in the past to help you.” Chris stuttered.
“Oh really. Name some things. Lets see if you remember anything i ever talked about.” Sara crossed her arms waiting.
“Like me um orally servicing you.” He said.
“Lol. Licking my pussy! You say it like its a hospital procedure. Licking my pussy! So you are saying that if i lock up your dinky doodle that you will lick my pussy? Wow. I should be so lucky.” Sara scolded then left the table.
“Chris. Look at me. I will keep thinking about locking up your tiny tinkle. Until i decide you can sleep in the spare room. Make sure you clean the kitchen and finish the laundry before going to bed. Oh. And tomorrow i have an important lunch date and i want to look super sexy. Something in red would be perfect. You know what i look good in. And dont disturb me. I have lots of research to do tonight!” Sara said watching Chris response.
His eyes were on her and his look of nervousness changed to hope as she said she would think about it. Then his eyes went wide as she mentioned her lunch date. Then a look of lust came over him as she mentioned wearing red. He loved her in red. She was smiling and running her hand down over her hip as if she was thinking of something sexy. Then as his mouth opened to ask she basically shut him down telling him not to disturb her. Thats how she left him as she wiggled her hips all the way to the master bedroom shutting the door.
Inside the room. Sara giggled as she pictured him sitting there. Mouth agape. Watching her. She could feel her nipples harden. Leon was right. Chris was definitely a ‘beta’. No real man would let his wife lock up his cock much less make him sleep in the guest room. Why hadn’t she picked up on this sooner.
Sara spent a little time on the laptop before going to sleep. But before she did she found a web site full of chastity videos. She left the lap top open and clicked play making sure the audio was turned up enough that Chris would be able to hear from the hall if he tried to listen. Then she fell asleep knowing Chris would think she stayed up all night researching it.
The next morning Sara got up feeling refreshed. She glanced at the computer screen to see a large muscular black man wearing leather explaining to a young well dressed white woman how to lock her husband in chastity as he manipulated her husbands genitals into a cage. She quickly flagged that video and shut down the lap top before calling for Chris as she jumped in the shower.
Chris walked into the bathroom as she showered. “Chris! What are you doing? Get out. I read that you chastity types aren’t allowed to see naked women because you get overly excited. Now stand outside the door. Are you there?” Sara screamed.
“Yes. Im here.” He responded.
“Listen. Im running late. So just lay out what you want me to wear for my lunch date on the bed. And it better be sexy. I really want to leave an impression today. I should be dressed before you leave for work so you can see how i look. Just wait down stairs. I want to make an entrance. But if not i guess it doesn’t really matter. Not like I’m wearing this for you anyway. Now stop pestering me. Im sure you have to plenty to do. Oh. And you better not be touching your pee pee today at all. Hear me?” Sara smiled to herself as she said it. Knowing Chris was probably hard as a rock outside the door.
“Yes. I hear you Sara.” Chris said before picking out her outfit and laying it on the bed. He then got dressed for work and went downstairs to wait.
Sara finished in the shower and dried off. She then opened the bathroom door to see what Chris had laid out on the bed. She smiled as she recognized it right away. There were sheer nude thigh high stockings with wide red lace bands at the top. Next to that was a black satin with red lace trim teddy. It was something that Chris had bought her for valentines one year that she had never worn for him. Then a red dress that was part sheer and part opaque design that revealed just enough but not too much. And a pair of five inch ankle strap high heels.
Sara smiled to herself thinking he had selected well. This was a little over the top to wear to work but not unacceptable or overly slutty.
She quickly put the lingerie on then finished her hair and makeup. Noting that Chris would have to leave for work soon. She pulled on the red dress and heels before opening the door.
Entering the living room Chris was in awe. Sara was stunning. She never wore heels that high. In those heels she was a full two inches taller than him. She strutted across the room like she wore them all the time.
“Well? Am i going to make a good impression? “. She asked as she applied bright red lipstick. “Um. Don’t you think you better go? Before you get into trouble?” Sara giggled as he looked at his watch then left.
Sara arrived at work and was again greeted by security guards holding the door for her. And office guys staring and stumbling to speak to her. Once at her desk she got busy looking forward for her lunch ‘date’ with Leon.
She left her desk in plenty of time to reach Leons office by 12. Inside she found him seated at his large desk talking on the phone. As she knocked on the open door frame he saw her and immediately a broad smile crossed his face.
“Hey Tom. Im going to have to let you go buddy. My lunch date is here and she deserves my full attention.” Leon said as he put the phone down the quickly stood up to greet Sara. “Well hello beautiful. I do believe i was right. Red is definitely your color. Give me a twirl. Wow. Well. Please. Sit. Our food was delivered just a bit ago. Now. Where do we start? “. Leon was again giving Sara that lust full look as he opened the food containers then sat back in his chair.
Sara smiled. “Why thank you kind Sir. Aren’t you the perfect gentleman. “. She said laughing.
They both started eating. “Well. First things first. Did anything new develop last night? Im assuming you did as i told you and had him pick you out something red for our ‘date’ today?” Leon asked.
“Yes. You were right. You should have seen his face when i told him i had a date and wanted to wear red. His eyes got so big!” Sara explained.
“See. Typical beta male material. No Alpha male would allow you to date much less send you to them dressed like this. You look amazing by the way.” Leon stated.
Sara blushed as she adjusted her dress as she did feel a little slutty dressed like that. “Well? I gave to tell you that at dinner he actually asked me again if i had decided if i was going to lock his dick up. I told him there wasn’t anything in it for me and then i made him sleep in the spare room and didn’t let him see me naked or getting dressed this morning. You should have seen his little boner tenting his khakis as he left for work. It wasn’t a very big tent mind you. Lol l don’t know what got into me yesterday. Lol. Then today. I swear i smiled every time i thought of meeting with you for our ‘date’.” Sara explained.
“Lol. Very good. Very good. See. I told you he was a beta. Now the real fun starts for you.” Leon said
“Real fun? What do you mean?” Sara stopped eating to look at Leon.
“Well you have obviously been enjoying yourself today. Bossing your little hubby around. Getting more alpha male attention. And hubby has gone along with it right? Well now you get to really push his buttons. You got him on the hook. Don’t just real him in and jerk him out the water. No. You got to play him. You know. Wear him out. Give him hope. Then pull him in closer. Really enjoy the fight. The struggle. Then you pull him in.” Leon explained as Sara thought about it.
“So you are saying i shouldn’t put him in chastity?” Sara asked.
“Lol. No. Im not saying you shouldn’t. Im saying you should make him work to get himself locked in chastity. Don’t just give him what he wants. Get him to do things that you don’t think he would ever do just to earn the privilege of you locking him in chastity. Does that make more sense?” Leon asked as Saras beautiful green eyes sparkled.
“Yeah. I think so. Like make him go down on me before locking his little dicky up.” Sara said.
“Lol. No. Look sara. Asking a man to eat a beautiful womans tight little pink pussy like you obviously have would be a reward. I’m talking about getting him to do things that no real man. No Alpha male would ever do. Like .....” Leon paused as if to think.
“Like shave his body hair? Or wear panties.” Sara said. “I noticed that in my chastity research that all the guys into chastity did both of those things.”
“Yes. Yes. Perfect. Now you are thinking Sara. Then once he confirms to you that he is not an Alpha male. You lock him up. Then you have him do more beta stuff so you will keep him locked up. Like make him pay his way in chastity. Say once a week you rethink it and make him prove again that he really wants it. Lol. Now once he is in chastity you can reward him by letting him lick your sweet pussy. But i like the whole idea of him not seeing your naked body anymore. So when he does lick you make him wear a blindfold. Or tie his hands so he cant touch you. Tell him your body is for Alpha males only. Stuff like that. Just trust me Sara. If you embrace this you are going to have so much fun.” Leon and Sara smiled at each other as they ate.
After lunch Leon cleaned up his desk before helping Sara out of her chair. “So. Sara? Did little Chrissy also pick out something equally sexy for underneath?”
Sara blushed not expecting any questions like that. “Um. Yes he did actually. Something pretty racy and something i would never wear to work. Hell i have never even wore this for him.”
Leon smiled. “Really? Well whats the purpose of wearing something like that if you cant show it off to some one?”
Sara looked at him. Blushing. “You are a very beautiful woman Sara. You deserve to have a real man look at you. And you cant consider this cheating since your little hubby not only knew you had a date but he dressed you like this. Its the least you can do to at least show off his handy work. Come on. Give me a nice show before lunch is over. “. Leon smiled
Sara lowered her eyes. The sat her things down on the large desk as Leon leaned back into his leather chair. She slowly reached down grabbing the hem of her dress then pulled it up and over her head in one swift motion. Leaving her in just the teddy stockings and heels.
“Wow. Sara. You look amazing.” Leon said as his eyes covered every inch of her body as he leaned back letting his hand slip into his lap to adjust his growing bulge. “That Chris of yours really knows how to flatter your curves. So you never wore this for him? It looks special. I bet little Chrissy bought it for you. Lol. It doesnt look like something a woman would buy for herself. Now lets the back.”
Sara turned slowly revealing the black thong back separating her cheeks. Leon again had to adjust his growing cock in his pants. “Mmmm. Very nice Sara. Very nice. You can put your dress back on.” I Sara started putting her dress back on when she turned and noticed Leon rubbing his rather large bulge down the inside of his thigh as he watched her getting dressed.
“Now Sara. I have a very busy schedule and i cant meet with you about your you beta male problems everyday. But as my schedule permits i will text you and set up our ‘dates’. At that point you will update me on your progress. And before we finish. You will give me a sext little show like you did today. Understand Sara? Thats sort of like my payment for helping you both out. Do we have an agreement Sara?” Leon stated.
Sara nodded yes slowly as she straightened her dress never taking her eyes off his impressive semi hard cock. “Sara? Look at me. My eyes are up here sweety. Nodding wont cut it. Im going to need you to say it. “. Leon said still stroking his cock and smiling.
Sara looked into his big brown eyes. Her heart racing. Nipples rock hard poking through the thin material of the teddy and dress. Clearly visible to Leon. Her fave was flush as she swallowed hard. “Yes Leon. I understand. You will text me to set up our dates and i will follow any requests you may have. And before i leave i will give you a show as payment for your help.” She said never looking away.
“Perfect. I look forward to working with you Sara. Oh. And Sara. You don’t have to worry about me trying to take advantage of you. I would never do anything to violate you or you wedding vows without both you and little Chrissy expressly asking me. Now. If you could let yourself out. I have an appointment in five. I will be in touch.”
Leon basically dismissed Sara and watched as she picked up her things and left. He smiled to himself as he watched her round ass jiggle as she strutted out the door. Closing it behind her.
Sara could feel the crotch of her teddy was soaked from her excitement and all she did was take off her dress. She wasn’t sure where this was going or how it would turn out but she knew that little Chrissy never got her this excited.

Fucken Woof

As it usually happens, one of the wordsmiths on here spins out a tale and somewhere in the depths of my memories, a story jars itself loose from under the tarps and boxes and makes its way out of the back of the jumbled mess that is my mind. If I can pin it down here, hopefully that will keep it from knocking anything else over in the process.
So, the fire is lit, I have a nice glass of whisky to hand and if you have em, smokem(, unfortunately I am picking up cigars tomorrow so no smoke tonight,)and I'll spin out the tale of Diesel.
Diesel was a Bull Arab X Wolfhound, bred for pigging but he just didn't have the temperament for it. Mum saw the ad in the paper and called the guy the next day. After she hung up the phone she said it was like talking to an Aussie version of a deep south Redneck but he seemed nice enough and he really didn't want the pup to go to be used for pigging, the guy selling him was adamant he didn't have the temperament for pigging. So she organised payment and had the pup flown a thousand or so km down to the nearest airport.
I was there for the pick-up. Mum needed someone to handle the pup home cause this was way before you had car seat harnesses or anything like that. When we got to the freight terminal, there was a pitiful crying noise coming from one of the dog crates. On the sending end they had crammed this poor pup into a cat carrier sized crate and he was miserable, couldn't stand up, couldn't lay down, could only sit and hunch so his head didn't hit the top of the carrier. He was not happy. When we opened the crate, he was just ears and paws, which were huge. Once we got him cleaned up and in the car for the run home, he passed out on my lap and slept the whole way home.
Over the next few months he grew and grew quick, topping out at 65kg and nearly 6 feet long when he stood up on his back legs. Very smart and very fast.
Now a dog like that needs exercise, and keeping them locked in the yard isn't fair on the dog, even if they have another dog for company. So as a family we would take both dogs into the catchment areas near the house. Pretty much the spitting image of the Australian Bush and we would walk the fire trails for a couple of hours.
Not sure how we worked it out, but somehow it became obvious that Diesel was a sight hound, if he could see something moving he would chase it. So my old man had this great idea about how he would hold Diesel's collar and I should run, see if I could get the dog to chase me (very dumb idea on my part).
So my old man has hold of the collar of 65kg of 4 pawed furry missile that is bouncing nearly 6 feet off the ground in excitement that he can chase me and I'm running as quick as I can down the loose sandy trail.
As I get 3 paces past a huge pile of horse droppings (so fresh they were still steaming on a warm summer day) I make an interesting discovery... the old man has released the furry missle.
I find my self flying through the air, horizontal above the sand about 2 feet above my usual height.
Impact isn't too bad, I get a hand down first and manipulate my landing into a shoulder roll and the sand is pretty soft so I skid along on my back for a couple of meters and get my hands up to catch collars on both dogs to prevent a very enthusiastic tongue bath and face washing because I am now on their level and fair game.
It was a good thing I wasn't hurt cause the rest of my family were too busy pissing them selves laughing to come help me.
From their point of view: I have gotten far enough down the track that the dog is about to break the breakaway clip on his collar because he wants to go so badly, so in the interests of keeping the collar in one piece and his fingers still attached, the old man let him go. In 3 paces the damn dog had accelerated to Max speed and he ran like a greyhound, at full extension with his chest prob only 3 inches off the ground.
He caught up to me in mere seconds and rather than go past or run along side, that sneaky bastard dropped the shoulder in to the back of my leg, just under the ass cheek and popped me clean off my feet. Que the Benny Hill theme song and laugh track...
So after that, the dog had to be held until I was out of sight, I would then stop and move 90 degrees to the side and off the trail and as Diesel lost my scent he would stop running with all 4 paws at once and slide down the trail in a 4 paw drift trying to get back to where the scent stopped. Hilarious from my point of view and no more flying lessons...
There was one exception to this. It was the one time that my sister took her new boyfriend along for one of these walks. He hadn't exactly made the best impression after the first time he met the old man and the old man was sitting cleaning and reassembling a Norrinco 1911 .45ACP colt semi auto pistol. New boyfriend didn't just go pale, he went clear, we were considering getting the smelling salts. So we worked out he was a bit of a limp wrist/ single child wrapped in too much cotton wool.
So mum takes them both and the dogs and heads down to the bush. They get most of the way round the shorter of the fire trail loops and my sister has obviously told the boyfriend about how I would get the dog to chase me. Mum has told him to wait till after the river crossing to run and let her get hold of the dog first.
Dumbass decides to take off running down the track.
It takes Mum about 3 sec to process that Dumbass has taken off down the track and about another 2 seconds to yell dumbass's name, intending to yell some combinations of no, don't run, stop.
Diesel is about 10 meters off the trail to the right. Most dogs would run back to the trail, make the turn and then chase down what is running. Diesel is smarter than that and calculates the intercept point and takes off for that.
Mum is about to yell No, Stop, when the furry missile takes out the dumbass. Dog 1 clean hit, clean hit. Dumbass puts his hand out to try and catch himself.
The reason that he was told to wait before running is that the ground is made up of sand stone rills and shale fragments. At best it is like sticking your hand in a combination chainsaw and belt sander. Lucky for Dumbass he only managed a few steps and didn't get any speed up before the dog got him. But there was some blood on his hand and some road rash up his arm and over his shoulder.
Dog is pretty pleased with him self, tag, Gotcha.
Dumbass is sitting in the middle of the trail staring at his hand as the blood starts to appear and is starting to hyperventilate. There may have also been some gasping of "my hand, im dying" which is not going to be productive at this point.
Mum checks him over, and then starts dragging him to his feet. Dumbass collapses and starts crying that he needs an ambulance.
My mum is a practical person, the point that they are at is inaccessible by anything less than a 4X4,which we don't have and the paras are going to be annoyed at getting called out for a little road rash so dumbass gets a hefty fore and back handed slap to the face and told that he is walking out or he is camping out. Mum and the dogs were a good half a football field length down the trail before he decided that he really needed to move.
I saw the clean up at home. A few bandaids and a clean shirt, nothing too serious. The next day at school when I am collecting my sister, dumbass is in a sling, bandaged to the shoulder and is limping. I bet peeling the bandage off the road rash would have been fun that night.
Thankfully my sister dumped his ass soon after this. When you get pissy because you have told some one that you are going to commit suicide and they call an ambulance to come get you, good fucken riddance.
But back to the dog, because we shipped him down from the tropics, winter was very funny because when ever he was let in the house, he would run the length of the house to the fire place and mid stride flop down as close to the fire as he could get. Pretty sure we smelt the fur burning a few times.
Unfortunately we lost him to a cancer in his throat that eventually put pressure on his brain and closed off his throat. The old man had just finished chemo when the dog was diagnosed and he wouldn't have wished chemo on his worse enemy, let alone a pet that he cared about. Diet and some other hoodoo got us another 3.5 years when the vet only gave us 6 months.
It sucks that they are only here for such a short time but they definitely brighten up our lives while they are here. There is something to be said for the love of a pet and that it always helps you that no matter how bad your day is, you have something at home that loves you unconditionally.
I wish I could pay puppy tax on this one but I don't have any photos any more.
Gnite Fuckers and as the Ferret says, pat the Dog, you will feel better.

A PLAYLIST TO KILL TO

THE MAN FROM AUGUST RIDGE
The Man from August Ridge
Lives across the O’Neil Bridge
He only comes out at night
To kill one by dawn's early light
They say he wields a mighty ax
And stands six-foot-four
Or so goes the lore
Never seek out his house
Deep in the O’Neil forest of oaks
and pines
He likes to hunt you from above the
trees and is as quiet as a church
mouse
He will have you in one of his metal
traps before your cooked jaws flap
Your screams are in his favorite
daydreams
He treasures each and every one
Because when your blood is spilled
that is when his fun has truly begun
He’s always been rather odd
cut you up and eat you alive
While he has you sing to him
He never misses dinner and a show
He collects your favorite songs
And adds them to his playlist
To listen to after
So if you find yourself lost and fate
had not been very kind to meet
The man from August Ridge
Best you can do is hope death comes
fast as a meteorite while he devours
You in every last bite
I stood in the school hallway after my last period looking up at the poster of Phoebe Grant. She had been missing for over a week, and most of us figured she had run away. Most of the stoner kids I knew were like that. They were the school drifters in and out a lot, and a lot of them had names, but no one remembered them.
Phoebe Grant was a name we now remembered because of all the posters decorated the school hallways and lockers. There was even a vigil held a week ago for her. Kyle came up behind me, knocking the wind out of me.
“Hey, we are still going to the O’neil bridge tonight and look for some local legends like the Man from August Ridge?”
“Yeah, I’m game if you are.”
“Awesome, I’ll bring the camera so we can take some footage for the Senior class YouTube video.”
Casey Culman came over and kissed Kyle on the cheek. “Hey, babe!” she gleefully chimed in my ears like a bullet.
I rolled my eyes. Kyle was the living embodiment of the guy who had everything, including the prettiest girl in school, my crush, Casey, among other things. I would have done anything to be Kyle for a day back then.
“So we are going to scope out the O’Neil woods tonight? I let Matt and Mackenzie know. I am so excited!” she squealed, and I looked questioningly at Kyle, who smiled shrugging.
I had thought it was just going to be a quick video making trip so I could finish our version of the Senior Class movie to play at graduation. Instead, it was double date night and me the fifth wheel.
“Hey, tell Alex to come so it won’t be weird,” Kyle said empathetically.
“Sure.” I nodded.
My other best friend, Alex, was also girlfriendless; the only difference was he wasn’t into girls.
We didn’t go straight to the O’Neil woods. To kill time, we stopped at the local bar in town called the Grotto with our fake IDs and got in to see some band. Alex was by the stage when the band started playing. The lead singer was one of those guys that tried too hard to be Chris Cornell but failed at it miserably. Not to mention, there was only one. There were a few other local bands I wanted to see to kill time, but that all stopped abruptly.
“Your band sucks!” Alex yelled, who had already had a few beers before he left his house.
“Alex, man stop,” I said, patting his shoulder.
Instead of listening to me, he only laughed. “I know music, and this Dude sucks!”
The band abruptly stopped playing. “Look here, you little shit, if you don’t like it get the hell out!”
A few people from the audience cheered.
Alex looked back at the crowd. “I could do a better job at your song than you. Go back to the costume store where you got that shitty outfit and find something better suited like a clown costume.”
Kyle saw the commotion and then joined me in trying to get Alex to shut up. “What is your deal, man?”
“This guy is a poser. I hate posers.”
“Maybe you should learn to control your friend, buddy.” the lead singer yelled.
“Shut up man; we got it!” Kyle yelled.
Alex shot up his middle finger, and the guy lunged towards Alex tripping over the microphone chord and hitting his chin on the corner of the stage head first.
Alex, being the typical dick he was, clapped. “Best performance, you did all night!”
The audience began to clap too, all laughing at the incident. Some had out their phones making videos of it.
We dragged Alex out of the building, but not before the now, furious lead singer yelled back at Alex. “You guys messed with the wrong son of a bitch!”
We left before we could see any of the other bands we had come to mind.
We piled into two cars shortly after midnight and drove down past the park and through a long half paved road towards the old rundown barn in the center of O’Neil woods. The only light came from our two vehicles, and we kept on driving deeper into the old O’Neil farmstead. Finally, we went to the rundown shack and the old red barn. It was amazingly intact for something so old. I got out of my car first and then walked towards Casey and Kyle, who were kissing in the front seat of the vehicle while Pearl Jam’s cover of “Last Kiss” played in the background.
I wrinkled my nose at them. Did either one of them even know what the song was about?
“Hey, you two lovebirds want to get out and start this thing?” I tried to sound light.
Behind me was Alex standing with Mackenzie and Matt.
“Yeah, let’s go see some haunted barn action. I was thinking of doing some photography for my portfolio.” Alex said, walking around, looking at the property.
“Gross, there are probably ticks out here,” Mackenzie said, caressing her long blonde ponytail. “Did you guys remember to bring any Off?”
Casey got out of the car then shaking her head at Mackenzie.
“No, but I have somebody spray. She handed her something in a bottle.”
“That’s okay. If I ever want to learn to be a model on the cover of Vogue, I have to learn to be comfortable in outdoor locations, right?”
Casey giggled.
We all began to follow Alex towards the barn looking around. Kyle began to film on his digital camera, and then we halted. There was a light coming from one of the shacks near the barn. We all stopped talking and just looked at one another.
“What is it?” Mackenzie asked
“A light obviously,” Alex said, walking towards it. “Anyone want to follow me or stay there?”
Casey walked on and then nearly fell over. She had stumbled upon something in the grass.
Picking up the object, it was a cassette tape. “Music to kill people to.”
“Creepy,” Mackenzie said, shivering.
I wasn’t so convinced, grabbing the cassette. “People like to come out here and do weird stuff because of the Legend of the Man from August Ridge.”
“Come on, you idiots!” Alex was yelling.
We followed him towards the shack. I expected to see someone camping out there for the night, but when we got closer, something did not feel right.
There was a smell that I couldn’t place, but it made me nauseous, and I nearly got sick. Alex covered his mouth and then opened the old door to the shack. Mackenzie came up behind him and then let out a scream.
The song “Doll Parts” by Hole was playing on an old cd player. There were white, and pastel pink candles lit all around the small room. They had been lit for a long while because they were melting all around. There were photos of toys and dolls on the walls of the shack and rotten cupcakes with flies still on them. There were hooks and giant clothespins on the table as well and coagulated blood on the walls. Pieces of heavy-duty thread lay around the floor. But in the center was the most terrifying thing of all. Something I will never get out of my mind.
The smell was from the rotting flesh in the center of the room. A body was rotting inside it. There was no mistaking the scent or the now blue and bloated pieces of flesh that seemed to be hanging from purposely placed wires. The arms and legs were not connected to the torso in front of us. Instead, they had been cut off and sewn back together with large black utility thread. They hung from wires over the body, which hung in the middle of the room. The legs had also been severed and sewn into place and hung in a sitting position while the torso and arms floated above it separately. The body had on ruffled underwear and a pink teddy. I could tell that the form in front of me was no wax artistic rendering for shock; it was a real body. However, I could not place who it was because the face had been covered in a mask that looked like a doll baby.
I had tears in my eyes and had drowned out the screams from the others who were trying to get me out of there as fast as I could. My hand wavered over the unseen face and lifted the mask. Then it let out a heavy breath, and I knew the person whose severed limbs hanging in front of me was alive!
I gulped it was Phoebe Grant, the girl who had been missing over a week, whose torso was now in front of us.
“Please… help me,” she whispered, barely aware that she was alive or that we were there.
I was unsure how to in my panic, and if I moved her torso, would she fall victim to more injury?
“Holy shit, we need to get out of here!” Alex was frantically screaming in a cracked voice.
The sound of the screams from my friends now carried weight with me, and I knew I had to get out of here. I also couldn’t let this poor creature in front of me die.
Then I saw a shadow. It loomed from behind Phoebe, and suddenly she gargled blood, and her head fell backward. A man rose from behind her. How he got there, I had no idea. He was here now and holding a large instrument that I could not see. I only saw it poke through her neck in front of me.
I knew Phoebe was dead, and I wasted no more time trying to figure out who her assailant was.
We ran towards our cars as though we were on the high school sprint team. Soon Kyle was speeding out of the road, and I struggled to find my grip on the steering wheel.
I didn’t see the man again. He seemed to have all but disappeared.
I sped out of the muddy road following Kyle, all the while trying to grasp what had just happened. It seemed as though fate had other ideas. Kyle swerved to the right, and then before I could comprehend one horror, I was witnessing another. Kyle and Casey’s car went over the road and down into the valley. I stopped the vehicle abruptly, and the other four of us got out of the car running towards the car. Casey was okay. She was just passed out by Kyle.
Kyle’s head was in between the glass that had shattered his truck’s windshield. Glass lay around the seat, and Alex was already screaming for the 911 operator to get there.
I looked up at the road where there was a little streetlight, and a man stood watching us. I could not see his face from the shadows. I watched him standing silently, watching us. He remained motionless as though he were studying our every frame, movement, and voices.
I looked away for a moment as an ambulance and three cop cars came speeding up the road.
When I looked back, he was gone.
############################
“We gather here today to say our goodbyes to one of our town’s favorite football players. But Kyle Thomas was more than that. He was my best friend. When I moved here from San Francisco three years ago, I didn’t have anyone. I had a bad attitude, no friends, and just the thought of how much I hated Ohio. Kyle was the first friend I ever made. He was popular, smart, and had loads of girls that liked him. Kyle was also a guy with a big heart. He reached out to me after my first day at school to see if I was okay. We ended up having a lot in common for a guy who was captain of the football team, and me, a guy who’s favorite band was the Cure. For that, I’ll never forget him. When that car went off the bridge, our entire lives changed forever. I just feel lucky we were a part of each other’s lives, even if it was a short time.” I wiped tears from my eyes and forgot the fact people were staring at me.
I sat down in my seat, and a hand tapped me on the shoulder. It was Casey Culman, the girl that I had liked since I first moved to Medina. She was also Kyle’s girlfriend. I smiled and tried not to think about the fact my competition was gone. It didn’t feel right thinking of my feelings for her even as Kyle’s coffin lay a few feet in front of me.
“Great speech, Jude.” she smiled at me, giving me an empathetic smile I had grown used in the last week since Kyle’s death. She still had a bandage over her eyebrow from the accident and was sporting a pink cast around her arm. The crowd at the funeral stared at us. I knew they suspected us over Phoebe Grant’s death. I think they thought we were some sort of Man from August Ridge Cult and that we had hurt Phoebe. It made me sick to think of anyone doing that to anyone, even someone I considered a stranger.
I half grinned at her as she approached the pulpit to speak. The wind blew her red hair, and it caught the sun as she read her thoughts to us all about Kyle Thomas. When the funeral was over, I walked by myself to Kyle’s parent’s house, where everyone was meeting for refreshments. I didn’t want to go, but in the back of my mind, I knew it would look suspicious if none of us went. There were six of us, emphasizing the past tense, with Kyle went that left five just me, Casey, Mackenzie, Alex, and Matt. When I got to Kyle’s house, the other five were already there. Alex was vaping some kind of Cappucino flavored vape pen. It smelled awful and, in a way, comforting. I needed normal now more than ever.
“Hey,” he said, standing up and tossing his long hair out of his eyes.
“Where is everyone?”
“Inside,” he nodded towards the door. “With all their accusatory eyeballs.”
“You ready for this?” I asked him, thinking of how things had been in the last week since Kyle died.
“No, but after today maybe we can try and get our lives back to normal,” he said agitatedly.
I knew he was right.
I went inside and saw MacKenzie standing with Casey holding her hand as tears streamed down Casey’s face. Bryan was eating wings as though he had no care in the world, and Matt was talking to Kyle’s mom. When I went in, I saw each of them look in my direction as though they knew something I didn’t.
I took a deep breath and walked towards Kyle’s mom.
I got a hug from her and a lecture about how there was so much food she was counting on us kids to eat the food. I could tell she was trying to be okay. As okay as you could be with your only child dead. I made my rounds pretending to be interested in the food and drinks, but I was too sick to eat, and I stole a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet and went outside into the back yard.
I hid by one of the large oak trees and tried to get a hold of myself. Then Alex and Matt came outside. Matt had on his letterman jacket over his nice shirt and tie.
“Well, now what? Do you think he will come looking for us after what we saw?” Matt asked.
“Why am I suddenly an expert?” I was suddenly resenting my friends who were eyeing me suspiciously.
“You know what we saw up on August Ridge. You know who I should say*.”* Matt said, turning a shade whiter at the thought.
“I wasn’t the Man from August Ridge. It was some sicko copying the legend,” I said.
“You don’t know that,” said Alex grabbing the bottle of whiskey from my hand and taking a swig coughing as it some of it didn’t go down right.
“Well, so far, everything is okay,” I said, sarcastically grabbing back the bottle.
“It better be. What is the point of any of this? Why did this happen?” Matt asked
“Sometimes bad things happen to good people,” I said suddenly, wanting to be as far away from anyone as humanly possible.
I stood up bored with the pretending to grieve when I wanted to find the killer that had murdered my friend.
“Where are you going?” Alex asked me his silvery-blue eyes pierced through me.
“Home,” I said, leaving.
I walked back through the house and stopped. Standing in front of me was the lead singer of that band Alex had booed off the stage. What the hell was he doing here? Then I saw him turn and look at me and smiling to nod sympathetically. He was with an older man, and they were both talking to Kyle’s mom. I nudged past them all and left, leaving the screendoor flapping in the wind behind me.
I walked in the direction of my house and thought of my mother. She’d be gone when I got home. She worked long hours at the printing factory in town. We had moved back to her home in Medina, Ohio, after my dad and she divorced. I walked through the town square past the Ritzman pharmacy and tried to take my mind off everything. It was quiet, almost too soft. There was always something about a town full of people inside their houses, and you were the lone wolf on the street or sidewalk.
When I got home, mail was sticking out of the mailbox. I grabbed it, but it wouldn’t budge. Something was blocking it from moving out of the small mailbox. When I finally got it out, there was a box inside with my name on it.
I opened it up, feeling a sickening feeling in my stomach as I held the item from the box. It was like something you would see in a movie. Strange packages arriving was never a good thing. I pulled it out, realizing it was a cd with crude writing that said 6.
I didn’t know what the number meant, but I opened the cd and loaded it into my computer. It was a video of the same lyric from the song “Polly” by Nirvana. On the screen were the same lyrics blinking across the screen: “Cut yourself want some help? Cut yourself want some help…” and over again, it repeated.
At the end of the video was an image of someone slicing their wrists. The person you could not see was cutting them repeatedly in a repetitive motion while a shadow loomed in the background. I thought it was weird and I wasn’t sure if it was related to anything. That sickening part in my stomach told me that it had everything to do with what we saw in those woods.
I knew my Nirvana tracks pretty well and realized that it was the sixth track off of Nevermind. Was the six on the cd for the sixth track? Until now, I never gave music much thought it was something you listened to, to feel better. Music was an emotional thing to me, and right now, I wanted no sound to come out of my computer. I shut off the cd and took it out to look at it.
Then I saw the X and the O’s and the brand logo at the bottom of the cd cover. “Dead Nails in the Heart.”
I could not figure out for the life of me what it was for until that moment. Then I saw a note.
You thought you were golden. You will see how much you shine soon.
I put the cd back in the case. There was only one person that I could see trying to taunt my friends and me if they were. Maybe it was the guy from the band after he heard what happened. I wanted to accept it was a joke and that it had been one all along. Maybe this was just a bad dream, I told myself.
I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling until I was soon fast asleep.
I woke to a phone call from an unknown number.
“Hello?”
“Jude! Something is wrong with MacKenzie.” I recognized Casey’s voice.
“How would you know if there was anything wrong with her?” I asked, almost annoyed.
“She isn’t answering her phone.”
“Maybe she is with Matt.”
“I already checked with him.”
“Okay, well, maybe they are doing something private if you know what I mean,” I said, sitting up in my bed.
“I don’t think it’s that because when Mackenzie got home, she called me in a panic. She had this weird envelope on her front doorstep. I had one too.”
I got off my bed. “Was it a cd by chance?”
“Yes. It had these weird numbers on it. It looked like they were written in blood. It freaked us out. We were going to go to the cops, but then I figured we should all go together.”
“I got one too. Have you talked to Alex? Do you know if he got one too?”
“No, Mackenzie was calling Matt to ask him, but that was hours ago, and I’m really worried.”
“Okay, I’ll come over. I’m calling Alex now.”
I picked up Alex on the way over who was none too happy to share the CD he had unboxed with me.
“It was a song called “Death by Rock N Roll” by The Pretty Reckless. I bet it was that creep. I saw him at Kyle’s wake. He came with his uncle or some shit.”
“Do you know his name?”
“They call him Spazz but not sure about his real name. He’s just using Kyle’s death to get back at us because we pissed him off that night at the Grotto.”
I drove on without saying anything. We got to Casey’s house, but the first thing I noticed was that the lights were off when they should have been turned on.
Alex looked at me, and I back at him; there was fear in them. I got out of my car with Alex following, and we walked up the porch of Casey’s house. I knocked lightly and then texted her to let her know we were there.
I knocked on the door again, this time harder. I finally could take the suspense no more, and we entered. There was no one home.
“Thought she just called you?” Alex whispered there was irritation in his voice.
“I did it! Come on. Maybe she is in her room.”
She was.
“Casey? Hey, we are here.”
Above her bed was a giant Lana Del Rey poster that Kyle had bought her at the show in Columbus a few years ago. Her bed had white teddy bears, and flowers from Kyle’s funeral strung about the bed.
Facing away from us was Casey sitting at her desk. Her head was leaning back in her big Gamer’s chair. In front of Casey, her laptop wide open. There was a song playing. All I could hear was “writing blood on my walls and shit.”
A number was flashing on the computer screen two, two, two, and the song playing was “Heroin” by Lana Del Rey. Casey’s wide-eyed expression told me she was no longer part of the living. Casey was staring at the ceiling above us with a flower crown on her head in the typical festival and “Lana” fashion with what appeared to be heroin needles sticking into her forehead like a crown of thorns.
“Casey, did you get a hold of -” Alex stopped talking.
Casey was dead. I looked back at the screen and the computer shut off. Behind us, we could see a reflection of a man. I turned as my heart leaped out of my chest to see that the man was gone. It was as though he was a phantom. There one second and gone the next second.
Alex and I were out of the house as fast as we could be, and I was on the phone with authorities.
Police wasted no time in arriving, but now I was more concerned with where Matt and Mackenzie were tonight. We didn’t stick around. We left before the cops arrived.
We took off down the road and sped toward Matt’s house.
When I got to Matt’s house, I found him in his backyard laying by his pool with Mackenzie fast asleep on his chest.
“Guys!” Alex screamed.
“Casey is, um,”
Mackenzie was already crying before I could get the words out.
“I’m next.” Mackenzie started to cry uncontrollably.
“No! Don’t say that. We will figure this out.”
“I’m going to kill that bastard if he comes near Kenzie and me.” Matt spouted.
“There has to be a way to get to him before he gets to us.”
“Yeah, if we knew who he was,” Mackenzie exclaimed desperately.
Alex looked at them and then back at me. “I’m going to kill that guy tonight.”
“What song did you get?” I asked her.
“Pictures of you by the Cure. There was this number three flashing on the screen too. I know that means I’m number three. First, Kyle, then Casey, and now me. What is he going to do to me?” Mackenzie was too emotional to speak.
Alex broke the mood, “What about you, Matt?”
“Man in the Box, Alice in Chains.”
“Nice. At least none of us got Justin Beiber. Our killer has good taste in music.”
Even Matt and I had to laugh to cut the mood.
“Unfortunately, I’m last,” I said, looking at them.
There was a call that came in on my cellphone then.
It was from an unknown number.
When I answered it, it was a facetime call. The person on the other end of the call was someone whose back was facing away from us in a chair bound and gagged. I looked at the others.
“Where is this?”
Whoever was holding the phone panned out so we could see the name of the printing building where my mom worked. My heart sunk.
“Don’t touch my mom!” I screamed angrily into the phone.
I started towards the car.
“Don’t go wait up, Jude!” Matt yelled.
The three of them fearfully piled in my car, and we headed over to the printing company my mom worked. When we got there, it was locked, but there was a back entrance that I knew my mom would go in sometimes if she were running late for work because the locks were not set to an alarm.
We entered, and I could hear the sound of Brown Eyed Girl playing in the background.
My mom had brown eyes, and all I could think was the bastard was cutting them out of her eye sockets or something. I ran in and grabbed a shovel from the warehouse to defend myself.
There was no one around. I followed the hallways towards the breakroom, where it looked like he had been keeping the person tied up. When we got there, there was no one there anymore.
Alex, Matt, and Mackenzie were all three behind me. However, when I turned around, only Alex and Matt were there.
“Where is MacKenzie?”
Matt freaked out and started screaming for Mackenzie.
We did not find her right away.
We went down the corridor to the room that printed signs. My heart was beating out of my chest before I even got to the printing room.
Alex and I saw her first. A man stood over her, taking photos of her as he slid her head under the cutting and creasing machine used in manufacturing advertisements. The light from the man’s camera kept going off like a strobe light in the dark, causing my eyes to dim. I ran towards him with my shovel and hit him over the back of the head with it. The man fell to the ground. It appeared I had knocked him out for the time being, and a rush of relief went through me.
Alex and Matt tried, unsuccessfully, to save Mackenzie from the powerful machine that had already done so much damage. Mackenzie was tangled inside the machine. Her once blonde hair was now the color of crimson from the blood.
We were so busy trying to save MacKenzie that I looked over towards the machine, and where the man was seconds ago, he was now gone.
The lights went completely out.
I heard Alex scream, and then the lights went back on.
Matt and I stood looking at one another.
“No, I should be next!” Mat was screaming.
“We have to find Alex.”
We heard car wheels spinning out of control. I ran outside and could see a black van exiting the parking lot, and we got inside my car following behind as quickly as I could get my car to go.
We followed the van through the streets and ran every light. Luckily, there was no traffic on the road. We kept going even when he got on the highway. We followed all the while Matt was crying and hitting the dashboard.
“This is my fault; I should have saved her. How did I take my eyes off of her for even a second?”
I looked ahead with one goal in my mind. Destroy whoever this was.
I saw the driver pulling over and exiting the highway.
I continued to follow the van. The driver pulled down a dirt road and then stopped turning the van off. Matt and I sat and looked at each other.
We waited for the driver to exit. Instead, he remained inside.
I could take it no longer. I just looked at Matt. “Screw this; let’s go.”
“Wait, this could be a trap!” Matt said to me, but I didn’t hear it. I was on my way towards the van with a vengeance.
Then as almost on cue, both van doors opened up. Our assailant was not acting alone. I saw someone rush at me and grab me, and then I felt something go inside my neck as I passed out.
When I woke, I realized I was in a rundown house. I was tied to a dinner table and stripped down to my underwear. I looked around the room and realized I was alone.
Where were Alex and Matt?
It was just me, or so I thought.
I heard a voice then.
“How did you like my playlist?”
The room was empty except for the voice on an intercom.
“What?” where was this son of a bitch?
“I like this one very much. You made it so easy for us.”
“Who is us? Where are my friends?”
“I have the best for last.”
I heard the sound of a rock guitar spiraling, and I recognized it as the solo beginning performed by “Slash” on the song Anastasia.
“Beautiful, isn’t it? I find killing people to music enhances my art.” said the baritone voice.
“Who are you?” I asked stupidly.
“Why I am the man from August Ridge. Unfortunately, I had to enlist some help. Don’t worry, I always work alone, but you were already supposed to be alone.”
“What did I do?”
“You liked what you saw, didn’t you?”
“What?”
“That girl was so beautiful, but so deeply tortured. Phoebe, the doll I created. Jude, you thought my art was clever, didn’t you? You just had to touch her.”
“No, you’re sick. Let me go please.” flood gates began to open, and tears fell from my face. I was sure I was going to die.
“Let me show you my instruments.”
A hole opened up in the ceiling and dropped Alex to the ground next to me.
I tried to look at him, but I already knew he was dead. His body crumbled like a sack of potatoes in front of me. He had at least seventy broken cd’s sticking out of his eyes, cheeks, chest, arms, and legs.
Tears fell again, and I felt defeated. How was I ever going to get out of here?
Then I saw a figure at the foot of the old dinner table I was lying. When I got a closer look, I realized it was Spazz, the kid from that band.
“We are going to eat you now.”
“Not so fast, Spazz.” said the voice.
Spazz was sitting at the table with a large meat saw and a savage look in his eyes.
Then something unexpected happened. I looked up and then saw Spazz lean over as blood came from his mouth.
Matt was holding an ax and was now untying me from the table. I shot up, and we nearly made it to the door before the Alice and Chains music started. A steel set of spikes hit from beneath our feet, cutting Matt almost in half. His life was taken in front of my eyes.
All of my friends were now dead, except me.
Then I lost consciousness again.
This time I woke up in the hospital. An older, distinguished man was sitting in front of me. He wore a black silk suit and had dark brown hair. He was a fine-looking specimen by anyone who would take notice of him. He sat across from me, eating something that looked like steak.
What happened to me? I went to speak, but it hurt to move.
“Wouldn’t do that if I were you.” it sounded like that same voice.
I couldn’t breathe any more; this was becoming a nightmare I could not escape.
"I didn’t kill you, but you may notice some bruising and some other changes," He said, smiling. "I’m sure we will meet again." He said, wiping his mouth and placing what looked like a cow tongue on my hospital table. I wrinkled my nose up at him, and then I sat up, still fuming but unable to speak.
“Oh, and Jude, I left you a parting gift. Until we meet again.” He smiled and walked out.
I grabbed my hospital chart to see what the bastard had done to me.
It was then I realized he cut out my tongue. Even worse still, the monster ate it.
If I could have been sick, I would have been.
A few days later, my mother took me home. She was struggling to get back to normal after everything that her son had gone through. They were still looking for the man who assaulted me. I tried to describe him by writing it all down for them, but they never found him.
The following day after I arrived home from the hospital, I received a box. When I opened it, there was a lot of wrapping inside. The first thing that caught my eyes was the photos of a homemade cd.
My stomach churned. I opened it up, and inside was a cd with the title “Playlist to kill people to.”
The tracklisting was as follows:
Last kiss - Pearl Jam
Heroin- Lana Del Rey
Pictures of You- The Cure
Man in the Box- Alice in Chains
Death by Rock N Roll- Pretty Reckless
Polly-Nirvana
BONUS TRACK: SHUT UP by The Black Eyed Peas and smiley face next to that one I guessed was his tongue in cheek, no pun intended way of saying he shut me up.
There were pictures of all the deaths on the cover of the cd. At the bottom, he had signed it with multiple X’s and O’s and, also, said Luv the Man from August Ridge.
That wasn’t the only thing. Much to my added trauma inside the box was something much more gruesome than all of that.
Matt’s head was in wax at the bottom of the large box with a bow around it.
KB HURST

I am 33 years old and make $121,000 with an approximate 20% bonus and annual stock awards, live in Pittsburgh, PA and work as a Landman in the Oil and Gas Industry

Title: I am 33 years old and make $121,000 with an approximate 20% bonus and annual stock awards, live in Pittsburgh, PA and work as a Landman in the Oil and Gas Industry (I’m a licensed attorney) This was my Money Diary from two years ago - https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/money-diary-pittsburgh-pa-in-house-landman-income
Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance: $152,000 in my company 401K – prior to paying off my student loans in November of 2019, I was contributing up to my company’s 6% match. Now, I am contributing 15% which comes out to about $700/pay period plus employer match.
I have about $10,500 in a personal investment account that I contribute $500/month that I opened earlier this year
Equity: I sold my townhouse in 2017 and moved into an affordable apartment in order to aggressively pay down my student loan debt. I moved in my boyfriend, in his paid-off home, in March.
Savings Account Balance: In my HYSA, I have a $20,000 emergency fund and $10,000 in a short-term savings account with the goal of home improvements and/or down payment for a home
Checking Account Balance: I have $4,000 in my checking account
Credit card debt: No credit card debt – I pay my balance off every month
Car Loan: I bought a new SUV this summer that was around $38,000. The loan is currently at $3,500 between a $10,000 down payment, trade in of my old vehicle, a couple $1500 monthly payments and I recently cashed out $10,000 in stock to put towards the principal. I plan to have this paid off within the next few months.
Student Loan Debt: $0 – I graduated from law school with $85,000 in student loan debt. After three years, I had made $30,000 in payments and less than half had gone to the principal. At that point, I sold my townhouse and moved into an affordable apartment and got serious about paying it off. I was able to pay off that $70,000 in a little under two years.
Anything else that's applicable to you: I receive compensation in deferred stock awards that have a three-year vesting cycle. I currently have about $3,000 in vested stock and $100,000 in unvested. The unvested is monopoly money because: (1) If I leave my job, I would lose it; and (2) The stock is volatile, and its value at vesting is unknown. I don’t have a specific plan for that money but would potentially use it towards a down payment on a future home or renovations in our current home.
I live with my boyfriend, Will, who paid off his mortgage in eleven years shortly before I moved in. We make about the same income. He pays for property taxes, insurance, and utilities. I pay for cable, internet, meal kit deliveries, Amazon Prime and Netflix. We have an active interest in each other’s investments and are on the same page about our outlooks surrounding money.
Section Two: Income
Income Progression: I've been working in my field for 6 years; my starting salary was $85,000 with 20% bonus. This was my first job out of law school. I have had two promotions since I started but my salary increases weren’t necessarily in line with the promotions. My biggest raise was in a year that I did not receive a promotion.
Main Job Monthly Take Home:
$5,762.55
Section Three: Expenses
Rent / Mortgage / HOA fees: N/A – Will owns the house outright and he pays for all property taxes
Renters / home insurance: same
Retirement contribution: see above – approximately $700/pay period, which, with an additional portion taken out of my bonus, maxes out my 401k for the year
Savings contribution: $1000 to HYSA (was $2500 but now diverting $1500 to car payment)
Investment contribution: $500 to mutual fund
Debt payments: $1500/month to aforementioned car payment
Donations: $50/month to a local homeless shelter that really helped by Dad when he was struggling with addiction. My boyfriend and I also volunteer at Meals-on-Wheels once a week. We used to go together every week when they needed us during the beginning of quarantine, but now that things have slowed down, just one of us goes every week. We also make ten bagged lunches for the homeless through a local church twice a month and I pay for those supplies which I would estimate to be between $50 and $100 a month.
Electric: Partner
WIFI/Cable/Landline: $177
Cellphone: Paid through work
Subscriptions: $65/week for Hello Fresh or Marley Spoon food delivery (3 meals a week); $13.90 for Netflix; $10.69 for Apple Music; $13.77 for Amazon Prime; $11.96 for digital local newspaper subscription; $14.99 Peloton
Gym membership: $10/month Planet Fitness + $22/month pretax for gym near my office. I’m not currently going to the gym, but both are so low I don’t want to cancel. I especially want to support the family-owned gym by my office.
Car payment / insurance: The minimum payment on my car loan is about $400, but I pay $1500. Car insurance is $370/every six months
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
I was always a very good student and there was an expectation I would attend college. Finances were never discussed when I was looking at colleges and although my family is not extremely wealthy, they had a “follow your dreams” approach to schooling. I attended a state school as an out-of-state student and my grandparents paid for the majority of the tuition – I believe it was around $30,000 a year. My parents paid for basic room and board expenses and I worked throughout college and in the summers for spending money. I attended law school and my grandparents provided approximately $20,000 a year. I graduated with $85,000 in student loans. After three years, I had paid over $30,000 in payments, but less than half of that went to the principal and I decided to really change my view on budgets and spending and get it paid off as soon as possible. I was able to pay the remaining $70,000 off in less than two years. I am incredibly grateful for the money I received from my family, especially my grandparents, and realize how lucky I am. My grandfather was a high school principal and lived very modestly his entire life to be able to save. I hope I am making him proud!
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances?
I don’t believe my parents ever discussed money with me in a cogent manner. My grandparents are all very frugal and big savers, but they did not impart that knowledge on my parents. Both are extreme spenders, with my dad in particular having IRS liens and at one-point filing for bankruptcy. I’d like to think I learned from their mistakes, but I also recognize that comes from the privilege of making a comfortable living. When I first started making money, I just assumed you were supposed to spend all of it and that’s pretty much what I did until 2017. I credit Money Diaries and this sub for teaching me so much about financial literacy. You guys are the best.
What was your first job and why did you get it? I
I worked at my local pool as an attendant when I was 14 and started lifeguarding at 16. I liked having my own money and as I’ll discuss further below, I didn’t like asking my mom for money.
Did you worry about money growing up?
Constantly. My parents divorced when I was 8 and my father lost his job a few years later. My mom went from having dependable child support to nothing and her job wasn’t lucrative at the time. She was constantly stressed about money and really put a lot of that pressure on me as the oldest child. I remember just being yelled at for everything I would ask for – whether it was cheerleading shoes or lunch money. This was also during times when we were going on vacations and living in a nice home. We weren’t poor but my mom never saved or accounted for any unexpected expenses. This has really shaped my mindset about saving and not wanting to live my life stressed about money.
Do you worry about money now?
Short answer is no and I think there’s three parts to that: (1) I have been lucky to find a job that pays me well, (2) I set myself up for success by saving and paying off debt; and (3) to live with my boyfriend whose good financial decisions have taken a lot of stress off of our shoulders. On the other side, I also work in a pretty unpredictable industry, so I am cognizant that this job may not last forever and I may need to figure out another career path. But I bet on me and know that I would be an asset to many companies and industries.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
I would say that when I graduated from law school and moved into my own home. My family is very close, and I know that I could move in with my siblings, dad or grandparents if I needed to. I would also consider my boyfriend part of my safety net.
November 5, 2020
7:10 – My boyfriend, Will, wakes me up with some cuddling. I have been having some weird insomnia so sleeping in this late feels awesome! This morning we are volunteering at Meals-on-Wheels, so I get up, make half of a bagel thin with whipped cream cheese and “Everything But the Bagel” seasoning and grab a water bottle and a Diet Dr. Pepper to have in the car.
10:30 – We head home from Meals-on-Wheels. It was another fun morning – we really enjoy going, especially the weeks we both go. Our team of 6 volunteers makes bagged lunches and then a hot meal for 64 folks. Today, the bagged lunch had a milk, applesauce, roast beef and cheese sandwich, chips, apple, cookies, bread and butter, and a piece of pound cake. The hot meal was stuffed peppers with mashed potatoes and green beans. When we get home, I make Will a bagel thin as a pre-lunch snack and package up an apple and leftover chicken pot pie for his lunch while he catches up on emails. We made the chicken pot pie this weekend from the Salt Fat Acid Heat cookbook and it was so good and has been heating up really well. After he leaves for work, I go into my home office in the dining room and catch up on emails/phone calls before heating up a cabbage roll with ground turkey and mashed potatoes that my best friend made this weekend and gave me some leftovers. 10/10 would recommend.
12:45 – I work for the rest of the morning and then go to the NJ EZPass website because when I went to NJ in September, the EZPass I was using was no longer active and I got hit with two separate $50 fees. BOOOOOO. I’m able to get one waived, but I still have to pay $56.15. I also decide I’m a grown up and should get my own EZPass account so I sign me and Will up for one ($76, which includes two devices and $35/each in prepaid funds). I also buy a toaster because we only have a toaster oven and I burn 65% of the things I put in there. ($24.61)
1:00 – I get back to work for the afternoon. I correspond with opposing counsel, draft and revise some leasing agreements, and review leases that were taken by my field guys. The afternoon goes by quickly. I have the rest of my DDP, another large bottle of water, and a spoonful of Jeni’s Brambleberry Crisp ice cream which is the best ice cream I’ve ever had. Around three I have an apple and help my coworker put together a proposal for her promotion. She definitely deserves it!!!!!
4:30 – I finish up my workday and head upstairs for a 30-minute Beyoncé Peloton ride. It is so so fun! I take my daily bath after while watching TikToks. Afterwards, I get dressed, make our bed, and put away some laundry.
6:00 – Will gets home from work and we start on tonight’s Blue Apron – chicken caper pasta. It’s tasty but not my favorite. We watched “Eaters Guide to the World” while we ate – narrated by Maya Rudolph. It seems like a great show, and Maya’s voice is awesome. Will cleans up the kitchen while I type this out and relax.
7:00 – We listen in to a webinar for my friend’s travel agent business. It feels really pyramid schemey to me. I love that she has a side hustle, but don’t love this. Afterwards we watch The Last Man on Earth (“LME”) before going to bed around 9.
Day Two
4:00 – Welp, I’m up. Any advice on how to stay asleep? Maybe seven hours is enough sleep? It doesn’t feel like it to me. I listen to podcasts (Do No Harm and the new Dr. Death) until I get up at seven and start my work day. Will left around 5:30 after taking the trash and recycling out for the week. I have half a bagel thin and an apple for breakfast.
9:30 – I’m heading into the office soon, so I’ve been taking care of housekeeping things and making a list to ensure I do everything I need to in the office today. I’ve been going in about twice a week for two or so hours. My company is still pretty old fashioned in the sense that we use paper pay sheets and have to physically sign off on things. I don’t mind – it’s nice to get out of the house.
10:30 – I get into the office, handle some logistics, catch up with my friends and yell at my boss for not wearing a mask. He’s infuriating. After a few hours, I leave and pick up Mexican food and take it to my dad and grandma’s house for lunch ($45). My gram and I get the shrimp tacos and chips and guac and my dad gets a giant portion of beef enchiladas. After a quick lunch, I head home, stopping to pick up wine on my way ($41).
1:30 – I’m back in the home office and working the rest of the afternoon. I deal with some lease negotiations that are part of a mediation and end of year budget issues. I finish up around 4:30 and chat with my best friend on her drive home from work and then get on a quick call with my boss to discuss the mediation.
5:45 – Will is home and he snacks while we make baked chicken with pesto and mozzarella. We have it with a bag of sautéed spinach and I have leftover sweet potatoes and he has last night’s pasta. I am TIRED from waking up so early!!! We just watch LME and head to bed around nine.
Day Three
6:15 – I’m just waking up now! Yes! Will gives me a big hug before he leaves for the day. Today is technically my Friday off (we do 9/80s, so I have every other Friday off). With working from home, I haven’t really taken the Fridays off, and I have two meetings on my schedule today.
8:15 – Head down to my office, heat up some pot pie (it has veggies so does that make it okay to eat for breakfast?), and catch up on emails. I have a short call at 9 with an attorney representing landowners whose leasing agreement I would like to modify. I’m also going back and forth with our outside counsel regarding current litigation. Fridays are normally my busiest day because I really like to get to as close to inbox zero as possible to have a “fresh start” on Monday.
10:00 – I call a new-to-me hair salon to schedule an appointment and they say they can take me either after Thanksgiving or today at 10:45, so I put some makeup on and head out. The girl who does my hair looks just like Jenny Slate and it was really nice getting to know her! I get a cut and highlights and I love it! ($172 + $40 tip + $3 for parking). Also, the Hello Fresh charge for the week goes through ($77.91). It is a little higher than normal because I ordered some sandwiches for lunch to try out.
1:30 – Rush home for a conference call which goes great! For a late lunch, I heat up a piece of chicken from last night and have it with some leftover spinach and chips and guac.
2:30 – I watch the first episode of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Omg this season seems like it is going to be amazing. Afterwards, I head to my best friend slash neighbor’s house and we go for a 2.5 mile walk and then sit outside on her deck and catch up. It’s sad to think this may be the last time we are able to do this with the weather getting colder.
5:30 - I order Aladdin’s takeout and Will picks it up on the way home. We get a shish kebob rolled, chicken Dijon rolled, spicy cauliflower, V9 soup and hot sauce. ($35+ tip, Will pays). When he gets home, we take the leaves to the curb and buy his sister a baby shower gift ($280 for a car seat, Will pays). We watch more LME and go to bed around nine.
Day Four
7:00 – I wake up and Will has already left to take his Nana shopping. I putz around and run the dishwasher and wash the bedding. He comes home at nine and we go shopping at Whole Foods. He gets stuff to make borscht for his mom and aunt, sandwiches provisions for lunches this week, salad, and frozen food. Total is around $90, and Will pays.
11:00 – We get home and make a frozen pizza and salad for lunch and watch more LME. Around one, I do a Peloton bootcamp (Jess Sims is my best friend) and Will mows the yard for leaves. I take a bath and relax while Will preps the soup.
4:00 – We have some leftover pizza and watch the last episode of Seduced, the NXIVM documentary. Keith Raniere is such a horrible human being. At some point I buy some more silicone ice cube trays ($9.32) and I make us sandwiches with the leftover chicken/pesto/mozzarella from the other night. We head to bed early.
Day Five
7:00 – I wake up in a great mood and ready to do all the things. I drink a green juice because I’ve been eating like a literal trash panda. I load the dishwasher, clean the countertops and stove, vacuum the kitchen, and make the bed. I fold and put away a load of laundry. I do a thirty-minute Cody Rigsby intervals and upper body workout and then a 15-minute stretch video.
11:00 - I take a shower and get ready to the day I’ve been looking forward to all month – brunch at Eleven! It is a gift from my sister and brother in law for my birthday and my brother joins as well. We start with a basket of croissants, muffins, and scones with honey butter and raspberry jam – literally a meal itself. Then I get the beignets and fried chicken with Brussel sprouts Caesar salad and corn bread. I also have a ginger mule and most of Will’s cocktail. Total was around $200 plus tip for the five of us and my brother-in-law pays.
3:00 – We head back to my sister and brother-in-law’s house and watch the end of the 1:00 football games and then the Steeler game. We have some cocktails throughout the day and before we leave, they make some frozen chicken nuggets from Costco that taste just like Chic-Fila. They also bought the Taste Test of Caramels from Trader Joes – I highly recommend. Will and my sister both got 100% accuracy and I couldn’t be prouder. It was such a fun day! They recently moved back to Pittsburgh from out of state and I’m so grateful that they are close, and we can hang out regularly.
7:30 – We get home and try to watch one episode of LME and fall asleep immediately after getting into bed.
Day Six
5:45 – I wake up and lay in bed for an hour or so catching up on my phone. I head downstairs and go through my work and personal emails and finances. My 401K has increased $12,000 since I started writing this. It doesn’t make sense to me. I also see that I got $50 cash back from Buy Buy Baby, so I get a few more things from Will’s sister’s registry ($5.50 after the coupon)
9:00 – I head into the office to pick up printing (I have a small printer at home, but anything more than a couple pages, I print to the office) and get some checks requested. I grab a cup of coffee and a Pepsi for Will. Once I’m back at home, I heat up the rest of the vegetable soup from Friday and a couple pierogis that Will’s mom made. I negotiate with a landowner for an amendment and ratification, fix a couple revenue issues, pull an order from a 2018 lawsuit and ensure that we are abiding by its terms, and put a memo together for the general counsel.
1:00 – I work solidly throughout the afternoon – reviewing lease files, communicating with my field guys, conferring with my boss about some recent case law, and responding to emails. I finish around 4 and take a bath. I talk to one of my friends on her ride home from work and discuss how we feel like there’s another quarantine lock down coming. Will gets home around 5:30 and we make chicken flautas with pico for dinner.
6:30 – Will and I start brainstorming ideas for Thanksgiving dinner. It is more than likely just going to be the two of us, but we still want to make a full dinner and try out new recipes. We decide to practice a stuffing recipe this weekend to make with turkey, roasted veggies, homemade rolls and some sort of apple dessert. You know the drill – a couple episodes of LME and bed around nine.
Day Seven
4:00 – Fuck. I’m up. I stay in bed for two hours listening to podcasts and trying to fall asleep. I give up at six and watch TikToks until seven. I tell myself I have plenty of PTO, so maybe I’ll take off a couple hours this morning and take a nap. I put blackout curtains in our bedroom last night and that wasn’t helpful in staying asleep but hopefully it will allow me to take a nap.
7:30 – I head downstairs and go through my emails – there’s nothing urgent. I pick out some cookies to buy from a fundraiser at the school my brother works at ($30). I feel surprisingly good, but I think its adrenalin from all the news about PA potentially getting shutdown again on Friday.
11:30 – I eat 1.5 pierogis, a leftover flauta from last night, and an apple before heading to the grocery store. I get stuff to make lunches tomorrow night and then for us for two dinners later this week – ($54) I am starting to feel tired but make myself do a Peloton ride before an afternoon of meetings. I start a Dennis intervals and arms ride and I hate it, and after ten minutes, I check my phone and one of my bffs tells me to do Robin’s Lizzo ride. It was EXACTLY what my life needed. The trajectory of my day is completely changed, and I feel awesome. Just another reminder that I work out for my mental health first and physical health second.
1:30 – My boss decides to no call no show our weekly team meeting. 10/10 wonderful boss behavior. I have another long conference call at 2, so I eat a couple turkey lunch meat roll ups and listen in.
3:30 – Conference call over. I catch up on email and phone calls and am done at 4:30. I take a bath and talk on the phone to friend before prepping tonight’s dinner – bulgogi pork tenderloin with rice and roasted carrots.
6:00 – Dinner is truly delicious! Will and I catch up on our day, clean up the kitchen, and watch Last Man on Earth.
At the end of each day please tally up your daily expenses. Then at the end of your diary please tally up all expenses in the following categories:
Food + Drink: $247.91
Fun / Entertainment: $0
Home + Health: $33.93
Clothes + Beauty: $220.50
Transport: 132.15
Other: $0
Lastly, reflect on your diary!
This week had a couple abnormal spends with the hair cut and the EZ Pass situation. I would say that I try to keep my spending to $500/week, $2,000/month and I wasn’t too far off even with the unexpected issues. I’ll just keep things a little tighter for the next week or two. I am beyond grateful for my limited fixed monthly costs and think I’m doing a pretty good job of putting my money to good use and investing. I appreciate any and all additional advice!

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